Silent Hill: The Nameless Parody 2
by EternalFlare
Summary: The 'sequel' ... I use that loosely ... to 'Silent Hill: The Nameless Parody'. Chapter 15 is up: Basically an epilogue and preview of The Nameless Parody 3. That means this story is over! W00t!
1. Chapter 1: Enter Room 302

Silent Hill: The Nameless Parody 2

Chapter 1: Enter Room 302

_**Far far ago . . . in a galaxy long, long away . . . huh? What? Oh . . . **_

_**Long, long ago . . . in a galaxy far, far away . . . not too far, really. Huh? Wrong cards? Oh. Ahem. And they all lived happily — FOR GOD'S SAKE, PETE, PICK THE RIGHT CARD! Ahem; it was two years ago — not one, or three, or even four — that Henry Townshend of South Ashfield moved into the Room 302. It was one year later that a Mr. James Sunderlando, a mustachioed blonde wearing a sombrero, moved in with him. Many people thought they were gay — they were probably right — but that is not important. Anyway, it was approximately five days ago that Henry Townshend began having a recurring dream. One other thing.**_

_**He couldn't leave Room 302 !!!!!!!1111!!!!!!**_

— — — _Henry's thought process_ — — —

_Huh? I'm waking up. At least I'm waking up . . . never know what James will do when I'm sleeping . . ._

_Why does it smell like wet dog — or James — in here? Oh, that's right. I haven't bathed in five days._

_Whoa, this place looks really crappy. Crappy? I mean creepy. Well, both, really. Creappy. Heh, I made a word!_

_Dear God . . . James did something bad . . . there's a FACE in the wall. Ooh, it's hard. That's what she said. Ugh._

_Where is James? I thought I had a record player here . . . James probably sold it . . . I'll kill him, that was an antique! What is this? Looks like a device for music—_

_HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP, THAT'S LOUD! Ooh, but 'Spirit of Radio', I like that song. And I do the Robot — now the Worm — and top it off with a few break dance moves. Yeah — Room 302 just got served._

_This sucks, and it's boring. I'm going back to bed. Or better yet, I'll burn the place down. Just let me get the—_

_What did you DO James? He's coming out of the frickin' wall!_

'Hello. It's good to see—_AHHH! _No! Not there! Anywhere but theeeeeereeeee!'

_And now I die. That was fun._

— — — _James's thought process — — —_

Author: I know I should write something here, but truth is . . . we have absolutely _no_ idea what was going inside James's head in here. In involves him stripping, throwing the furniture around, and reciting 'I am the mighty Gumbotron' repeatedly. Then he urinated all over the kitchen, ate a portion of the wall, and took a nap while snoring so loud that it shook the apartment building. Then Pyramid Head came out and raped him—there the dream ended. So, let's just go ahead and—

— — — _Room 302_ — — —

Author: _HEY! _I wasn't finished!

— — — _ROOM 302 — — — _

(Author: Fine.)

Henry Townshend sat on his bed, having just woke up from the strange nightmare. He lifted his head up and sighed, very depressed.

'Oh man . . . what a dream.' He stood and dialed the phone number _867-5309_ — nothing. Sighing, he walked away, singing '_Eight, six, seven five, three O nie-ee-ie-ine_.' Suddenly the phone rang, and he quickly zoomed around to pick it up. 'Hello?'

'Help . . . meh . . .' came a woman's voice.

'Yeah . . . I kind of can't leave my apartment.'

'Why?'

'It's complicated.'

'That sucks.'

'Tell you what . . . could _you_ help _me_?'

'No, I'm in a Subway with a bunch of demonic dogs.'

'But if I look out the window, you're still standing at the Subway entrance . . .'

The line went dead.

'Oh well,' Henry said as he hung the phone up. Walking out into the living room/kitchen, he found James crashed on the couch. Henry walked tenderly to the front door and looked at the chains. Then began a long cutscene.

'I can't leave the room, door chained from inside, windows sealed, can't get people to hear me, no power, how get out?' Henry summed the cutscene up. 'This is worse than the time me and James found that body in Richard Brainfart's room.'

— _Flashback —_

_James and Henry are crouched by a doorway, with a bloody female body behind them, and footsteps are heard, along with many curses from Richard Brainfart, resident of Room 207. James was shaking, and Henry was panting._

'_Okay, well, we'll just wait here for him to fall asle—' Henry began._

'_Time to shoot up some crack and take a bunch of caffeine pills!' Brainfart's voice came from down the hall._

'_Uh, plan B . . .' Henry muttered._ _'James, do you have the pistol?'_

'_No . . .' James said. 'I dropped it back in our room.'_

'_Crap!' Suddenly James's stomach growled, then Henry's._

'_James . . .' Henry said. 'If Richard never falls asleep . . . I want to eat you.'_

'_No need!' James said, pointing to the body. Henry raised his eyebrow._

— _End Flashback —_

Suddenly there came a loud breaking noise from outside the room. Henry peered out the peephole, seeing Eileen Calvin scooping up some groceries. He pictured her topless for a moment, before he realised there were more pressing matters at hand, and he quickly stopped.

'Oh man,' Eileen said. 'Hope my luck changes before the _party_!' She then turned to the peephole. 'And that means that I want you, Henry!' she cried as she skipped away. Henry was stunned, but quickly snapped out of it as a loud _BANG_ resounded through the house.

'Fluffy rabbit!' James screamed as he sat up from the couch, falling off and hitting his head on the coffee table. There was a small cut. James began to cry.

'Oh, James!' Henry cried running up to examine the wound.

'It h-h-h-h-hurts!' James cried, tears sliding through his slammed eyes.

'I'll get a Band-Aid,' Henry said. 'Scooby or Fred Flintstone?'

'S-s-scooby,' James pouted. Henry entered the bathroom to find an enormous hole (or H013 to James) in the wall, with a steel pipe hanging down. Grabbing the bandage, he threw it to James absent-mindedly and ran back to the hole to check it out.

'_THIS IS THE FLINTSTONES!_' James bawled.

'Shut up!' Henry screamed. Ripping the pipe out, he tapped the insides of the H013 and smiled.

'James! We can get out!'

'Really!?' James screamed, running up to Henry. He had a Flintstone's bandage on his forehead.

'Yeah!' Henry replied. 'Come on, let's go!'

'You go, Hen. I don't like H0135.'

Author: For those who don't speak leet, 'Holes'.

— _Flashback —_

_James was in the morgue once more, and, opening another door, found himself looking at another H013. Screaming 'w333!' James leapt down into the darkness._

_He landed on a fluffy mattress, stained yellow and brown. Standing up, he opened another door to find another H013. Jumping down, he found himself face down in a pile of shit._

— _End Flashback — —_

'Okay, fine, I'll go through and get help.' Henry crawled through.

'Be safe, sweety!'

'Huh?' Henry said, turning back his head and finding himself falling out of the H013.

—_To Be Continued . . ._

— — —

_YES! Number 2 is here! For those of you who don't know why James and Henry are roommates, read 'The Nameless Parody', and you'll get this more. Where does the H013 lead? Is it safe? What will James do in Henry's absence? Why is this only four pages when the others were six? (Because, it's the first chapter, bear with me) Find out next time in: the Subway!_

_P.S. Frog, Crono, and Robo will be appearing, and maybe some unexpected guests. Probably not, I think just F, C, and R._


	2. Chapter 2: Crazy Train

Chapter 2: Crazy Train

Henry opened his eyes to find himself on a large escalator, going down . . . down . . . down some more . . . up a little — no, got you! — and down to the bottom. Standing up, he pulled the steel pipe out of his pocket and ran forward — at the end of the long hallway, he saw an ugly stripper pacing back and forth.

'Wassup yo!' Henry cried, trying to be hip.

'Who aw wou?' Cynthia—err, I mean, 'the girl' said.

'My name is Henry. And yours would be?'

'Hee hee, dis is meh dream, and you don't even know meh name?'

'Shut up and say it,' Henry said, raising the pipe.

'It's Cythina.'

'What?'

'I mean, Ctyhiann.'

'That's not even pronounceable.'

'It's Cynthia.'

'There you go!'

'Sawwy: speesh impledimant.'

Henry said nothing, just looking at her in awe — this was one weird stripper.

'Anyway,' Cynthia said, 'me wants to find teh exit, but no wuck.'

Henry squinted, trying to figure out what she was saying. He gave up eventually, and said 'So you think this is a dream, huh?'

'If it no dreem, den what it be?' Cynthia replied.

'Ehh . . . . . . . . . . . oh! I'm not supposed to answer this one.' Henry turned around and looked at the walls, pretending to think.

'Say . . .' Cynthia said. 'Meh's kinda scawed aww awone. Wiw wou haewp meh find it? Meh do speciaw favaa . . . for wou wayta!'

Henry was struck dumb. 'What . . . in the name of all that is holy on this Earth and all the universe, did you just _say_?'

'It be dream, meh have fun,' Cynthia said as she walked away. Henry bit his lip, trying to absorb what happened, and followed behind her.

— — — _Room 302 — — —_

James was air guitaring on the couch, leaping and thrashing his head to '_Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap_' by AC/DC. He'd kicked the coffee table over, dirtied the couch, and kicked a hole in the wall.

'_Dirty Deeds — done dirt cheap!_' James screamed, jumping around the room four times. '_Dirty deeds, and they're done dirt cheap — dirty deeds, and they're done dirt—_' Suddenly James tripped, and collided with the table that was propped against the wall. It moved a little, so James moved it to the side and found a pistol.

'My pistol!' James cried. 'Ooh . . . still with infinite ammo!' Then he noticed the message in the wall.

'_The faint hope I once had is slowly turning into despair. I managed to tunnel this far, but I can't go any further ———— it's WEIRD, like this room is STUCK in another DIMENSION! Wooooooo! Eileen never noticed, even when I stuck my — pencil! — through the hole. She just took the pencil and wrote something on her arm, then gave me the pencil back._

James then noticed the hole in the wall. He peered through it. 'This reminds me of the time when Henry and I joined the circus . . .'

— _Flashback —_

'_Henry!' James whispered harshly from inside the chamber. 'Can you see anything?'_

'_Nothing,' Henry said. 'Wait, he's coming!'_

'_Ready?'_

'_Ready.'_

_The door to the prison cell opened, and a big man in a top-hat and oversized pants walked in, wielding a small metal rod. 'Okay, Pooloo and Makkalala, show ti—'_

_Henry swung a stone he'd grabbed from the wall into the man's head, and took the rod, shoving the sharp end through the man's back, then ripping it out._

'_Let's go!' James said as he ran out. Henry snickered, and left with James._

— _End Flashback —_

'Good times,' James whispered. Through the hole he could see Eileen, slowly stripping and dancing to 'I'm a Genie in a Bottle' by . . . ahh, who cares who?

James watched silently until he realised that she was actually putting the clothes _on_. Disappointed, he screamed 'Aww, come on!'

'Huh?' Eileen said. She looked around. 'Bobby, is that you?'

'Uhh . . . yes . . . this is Bobby . . .'

'Oh Bobby, take me back!' Eileen screamed, falling on her bed. 'I want you so much!'

'Hmm . . . what will you do to _please_ me?'

'Anything!' she moaned.

'Oh then, forget it.' James said, walking away. Eileen started crying, and ran away. James then realised what she said. 'Wait! I didn't mean it!'

She was gone.

'Eh, who cares?' James said, jumping on the couch and starting to air-guitar 'Iron Man' by Black Sabbath.

— — — _BOINGY-BOINGY-Back to Henry! — — —_

'So then, meh was wike: 'Oh meh gawsh!' Cynthia droned on as Henry walked, holding his forehead to stifle the headache. Finally they came to the restrooms, and Cynthia was totally like:

'Like, wait a minute, meh _totally_ has ta pook!'

'Whatever,' Henry said, ignoring what she said as she ran in the girl's restroom. For many minutes he stood there, picking his nose and scratching his privates, until the Boy's room's door opened.

'Whoa, cool magic trick—' he began sarcastically, but was silenced as a dog roared and leapt out of the room, falling on its side, dead.

'. . . even cooler magic—'

Two more walked out of the room, with long tongues and yellow skin. They immediately began to suck the life out of their companion. Henry froze, unsure what to do.

'God, this is like that time those drug-dealers captured James!' he mused.

— _Flashback —_

'_Ahh! I don't want to die!' James screamed as he sat on his knees before a big, bald man with a baseball bat. Henry snuck up behind the man with a big axe, about to strike._

'_HENRY!' James screamed, pointing. 'WHERE'D YOU GET AN AXE!?'_

_Suddenly the man turned around and aimed the gun at Henry, who dropped the axe. He began shaking, and the man rested his finger on the trigger._

'_Aiyeeyeeyeeyeeyeeyeeyee!' came a cry from the top of the room, and a naked man swung on a rope, kicking the man's head off and flying up and out of the room._

— _End Flashback_ —

'Okay, all I have to do is wait for that naked guy to show up.' Many minutes passed, and the dogs still sucked their companion (ewww). Then they turned and looked at Henry.

'Well, I'm on my own here.' With a savage cry, Henry lifted the pipe and brought it down on nearest dog's head. It cracked sickly, and the other dog jumped back, hissing. It then jumped forward, lashing its tongue. Henry swung the pipe right into its head, killing it instantly. Proud, Henry stomped them for fun. 'Pwned!'

'Aiyeeyeeyeeyeeyeeyeeyee!' came a cry from somewhere, and a naked man swung down from the suddenly-limitless ceiling and then swung back up.

'_GREAT TIMING!_' Henry screamed as he stormed off to the women's restroom. Inside, he did not find Cynthia — rather, he found a H013. Reluctant, he climbed through.

— — — _BACK in ROOM 302!1!1! — — —_

Henry woke up on his bed, uninjured but holding a steel pipe. Walking out to the living room, he found James passed out on the couch. There was a pistol hanging limply in his hand, which Henry took promptly. He then aimed it at a window and pulled the trigger, sending a loud bang through the room.

'Ahh!' James screamed as he sat up. 'Whew . . . you found my pistol! Where was it?'

'In your hand,' Henry said dryly.

'Oh.' James neglected to inform Henry that Eileen could hear them. Instead, he said 'I soloed "Iron Man" . . .'

'_IRON MAN! WOW! THAT'S, LIKE, THE _easiest song in existence, James.'

'Oh fine, screw you,' James said, turning away. 'Where'd the _stoooopid_ H013 lead?'

'To an insane world with evil monster dogs and naked men that swing on ropes.'

'You saw him again!' James cried.

'Why don't you come with me, James? I don't think we'll get out of there, but it'll be fun.'

'I'm too busy falling into relapse from quitting my addiction.'

'Cookies, once more, are _not_ an addiction.'

'Oh . . . well, the other one.'

'Drugs?'

'Yeah. I quit them.'

'James, I know you've got a huge box of 'em in the laundry room.'

'No you don't,' James said quietly.

'Okay, whatever. I'm going back there. If you get bored, you know where to find me.'

'Kay,' James said as he turned on the TV. Suddenly (I overuse that term) the phone rang. Henry bolted for it, picking it up after only three rings.

'Hello?' he asked.

'Waw dee woo gah?' Cynthia's voice said. 'Huwwy . . . save meh . . . if wou need a token, dair's un ea—'

'I should really get her that video James made,' Henry whispered as he entered the H013.

— _Flashback —_

_Henry and James are on the couch, James hitting the button for the VCR. On comes James in a suit and tie, with a sign that says 'Welcum'._

'_Welcome,' video James said. 'My name is James. J-A-Y-M-E-S. Or with a "Z", if you are idiot. If you have speech impediment, or just frustrated with English language, me help you. Me speak perfectnessly, so you ain't got no worries.'_

'_Uh, James . . .' Henry began._

'_First, must learn "vowels". Vowels are most common numbers in betagamm, or "alphabet" to most of the popcornation._ _Examples of vowels: B, D, O, 3, Red, Superconductivity, and Moo._ _The other letters are "continents". Me like "continents" best. Examples of continents are: A, U, I, Venus, dung, and !–censored–!. Those are just a few out of about 2,000 numbers that make up the English language. So why learn 2,000 when you can learn how to speak with only 26? Order my video today. And if you call right now, we'll answer! Plus, it's only cheap $6,000,000 per minute of video — what holding you back? Call now!'_

_James turned it off. 'What do you think?' he asked, smiling hopefully._

'_I, uh . . .' Henry stammered, 'loved . . . it. Heh.'_

_James put a camcorder down. 'I got one testimony, gotta get two more.'_

— _End Flashback — — —_

'Hey, it might work!' Henry shouted angrily.

Author: Yeah . . .

— — — _Tru da H013 — — —_

Henry turned to see a mannequin of Cynthia sitting there with bunny ears and a coin in her pocket. Henry took the coin and bolted for the turnstiles. Using the token, then shooting the box and taking it back, he walked down some stairs.

From right in front of him was a bald man, who was coming out of the wall. Henry looked, mortified, and aimed the pistol, blasting the man back into the wall.

'Hey, not fair!' the ghost yelled. Henry, giggling, darted down the stairs nearby. He tripped, however, and dropped the steel pipe. Not caring, he saw Cynthia coming out of two train doors. He ran up to them, and as he entered, they closed behind him.

'Ou idit!' Cynthia cried. 'Nowee tuck!'

'Sure. I'm sure I'll think of something.'

— — — _Room 302_ — — —

'Well, I have nothing better to do,' James said as he looked into the H013. Slowly, he climbed in . . .

— — — _Subway, ten minutes later — — — _

'I beat you!' Henry cried in joy.

'Ot fayah!' Cynthia screamed. 'Oo aw-ways pick wock!'

'Try not picking scissors everytime!'

'Dis get boeing.'

'I agree.'

'_Got a machine head — it's better than the rest — green to red — machine head_ ' came a voice from far away.

'Yes!' Henry cried. '_Got a machine head — it's better than the rest — green to red — machine head . . ._'

James came into view then, dumbstruck at their predicament. He held the pipe in his right hand.

'James!' Henry shouted. 'Go left, and open the doors!'

'I don't know any _The Doors_!' James cried.

'No! _OPEN-THE-DOORS_!'

'Oh!' James took off to his left, almost reaching the engine before the bald ghost jumped out of the wall. James screamed like a girl and raised the pipe.

'I've got to save my friend! You shall not stop me! _Elendil_!' James shouted, running forward with the pipe — he reared back to swing . . .

. . . and the ghost, in one punch, layed him _out_.

'Yeah!' the ghost said. 'You got knocked the fu—'

_SLAM!_

The doors of the train flew open, Henry and Cynthia walking in slow-mo to James. Henry raised the pistol and blasted the ghost to death, then grabbed James and screamed 'Run!'

The trio navigated the trains, and finally found a door at the end of a similar room. The three ran, ran for their lives from six ghosts that appeared out of the wall.

'This is worse than the time you called that cop a—' Henry began before he was layed out by a ghost who had appeared in front of him. James ran to his rescue, but was layed out also.

'Did you put this on Hard!' James screamed.

Suddenly Cynthia started dancing erotically around one of the big pillars. The ghosts immediately began puking their guts out, one even exclaiming 'What is it!?' Henry and James wasted no time in evacuating the premises. Opening the door and slamming it quickly, they found they were alone inside. There was a big hole to the right.

'Well,' James said, 'what do we do?'

'We continue,' Henry said slowly. 'Continue as if _nothin'_ ever happened.'

'Fine with me,' James said as he jumped down a ladder. '_EWWW!_'

'What is it?' Henry called down, readying the pistol.

'I don't know!' James cried as Henry climbed down. The walls were pulsating in and out, and were coloured pink.

'This is worse than the time we were swallowed by that whale,' Henry said, plugging his nose.

— _Flashback —_

_James and Henry are sitting next to Gepetto and Pinochio, James's flashlight illuminating the pink innards of a whale._

'_You have a smoke?' Gepetto asked._

'_Depends: you have gum?' James replied._

'_. . . you have Depends? After getting swallowed by a whale, I need one.'_

'_Ewww!' Henry cried._

'_Shut up young man, everyone can see that huge brown spot in your—'_

_A shot rang out, and Gepetto fell dead. Henry had a smoking rifle. 'Yeah, not so tough now, are you!?'_

— _End Flashback — _

James and Henry went up a ladder again, and found nothing — so they went back down and through a hallway, veering left and coming to a platform. Henry and James came to a big train, with four of those dogs coming out.

'Holy crap!' James screamed, jumping back, raising the pipe.

'Stand back!' Henry ordered as he systematically shot each of the dogs in the head. He blew the smoking barrel of his gun. 'You've been euthanis—'

A yellow figure barreled into him, sending him flying backward. The dog stood and began to hump his side.

'_DEAR GOD! GET IT OFF!_' Henry screamed, thrashing wildly. James ran in with the steel pipe and batted at it. It just looked back at him and growled — then it continued humping Henry. James dropped the pipe and ran into the train. Henry screamed panic-nonsense at him, and began to pout.

Suddenly there was a loud crack, and the monster flew onto the train tracks. James stood there with a golf club, smirking proudly. The dog screamed relentlessly, so as Henry stood he blasted it thirty times with the pistol.

'That wasn't fair!' he said as he grabbed the pipe.

'I know. I once had that experience with Pyramid Head.'

Author: No you didn't, actually. He never 'violated you'.

'But that Metroid . . . and then Angela . . .' James vomited a little, then the two moved on.

Suddenly there came a voice on the PA: 'Enwy, Wames, meh fond teh eckshit. I weepeet, I found the eckshit! Oh no . . . it him . . . he come!' There was feedback, and no more was heard.

The duo came to an escalator, and took the one up. Henry and James both took a small breather. Suddenly (once more!) a strong arm smacked Henry in the face, knocking him _waaaaaaay_ down the escalator. Henry screamed.

'Holy mother of nutcrackers!' he said as he held a bleeding nose. James rushed in with the golf club, but was met with the monster's fist to his gut, sending him into the air, knocking him into the ceiling, and forcing him to fall on Henry. Henry wailed in torment.

'Lose a few pounds!' he screamed as he sat up, aiming the pistol at the monster and blasting it to who-knows-where. The thing shrieked, and died. The two proceeded once more until the same thing happened, forcing them back ten feet. James suddenly got an idea.

So the two layed down on the escalator, and though the monsters' arms came close, they remained untouched. At the top, James and Henry did a little dance of victory before Henry raised the pistol and pulled the trigger thirty times, screaming 'Wolverines!'

'Huh?'

'Nothing.' The two ran up the nearby stairs, and came to a bunch of purse-contents strewed about the floor: lipstick, chapstick, mascara, Head-On (apply directly to the forehead!), the G-Virus, a key to Henry's chains, but nothing truly interesting. So the two turned to the door nearby, and written on a placard in the door was: 'Temptation?'

The two entered the door to find Cynthia on the floor, bloody, and almost dead. She looked at Henry.

'Good,' he muttered. 'If someone else didn't, I would have eventually . . .'

'Henry?' Cynthia said.

'Hey, you said it right,' Henry said.

'I think . . . I drank too much last night . . .'

'You can _never_ drink too much.'

'I – I feel like I'm dying.'

'I wonder why . . .' Henry said, sarcastically of course.

Cynthia passed on.

'Well, at last. I hated her,' James said.

'Me too,' Henry sighed as everything went black.

— _To Be Continued_

— — —

_Is Cynthia REALLY dead? What will happen to Henry and James? Will I ever stop asking these questions? Tune in next time for: the Forest!!!11!_


	3. Chapter 3: Within the Woods

Chapter 3: Within the Woods

Henry woke up on his bed, and James woke up on the couch, and they met up in the living room. James leaned on the golf club, smiling.

'That was a weird dream I had,' he said.

'James . . . I don't think that was a dream . . .'

Suddenly the radio came on: 'Hurry up and get that ambulance! Quit yappin' and move her already! Damn . . . she done got numbers on her chest . . . I wonder . . . hmm . . . what a mystery!'

'I didn't see any numbers,' James said. 'And the only thing I was looking at was her chest.'

'Maybe it was invisible ink?' Henry said.

'Oh, while you were gone, something appeared on the door.' James pointed to big, bold letters across the front of the door:

_**Sorry I'm late, traffic was bad, and then, at the store, there was this old guy, he was writing a check for like two items, and . . . yeah.**_

_**Uh, don't leave, because . . . I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! Err . . . I mean, just, stay in your room. It's 'safer'. Yeah . . . — Sincerely, Walter Sullivan XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOOOOOOOX**_

'Well, back through the H013!' James said as he ran into the bathroom.

'I'll be there in a moment,' Henry said as he found a book behind the bookshelf (weird, huh?).

_Through the Ritual of Holy Assumption, he made a place. It's kinda cool, a little weird and creepy, but pretty cool. It's totally __**with**__, yet __**without**__ the world — how that works, you'll have to ask him. I'm not gonna say who, though, because life's not that simple. Memos don't tell you things in the beginning, they have to wait until the end. Oh well._

_It is important to travel lightly in that world . . . he who carries too heavy a burden will regret it._

'Huh . . .' Henry muttered, turning back and going through the H013.

— — — _Meanwhile, somewhere really spooky — — —_

'Did you come alone?' came a mysterious voice.

'No,' another voice said. 'Sorry, I'm a busy man with an entourage.'

Gunshots are heard.

'Problem solved!' the voice said.

'Whatever. I need your assistance . . .'

'Cool. Where do I come in?'

'Uh . . . anyways, I need that one ugly blonde.'

'Right-o.'

'So . . . yes or no?'

'We'll see.'

'Man . . . can't you just say one or the other?'

'Kay: the other.'

Gunshots are heard.

The other voice laughed. 'Bulletproof.'

Mysterious voice sighed. 'Fine, just bring her here before Henry and James make it to the Wish House.'

'Whoa, whoa, whoa — James?'

'Yeah, you know James?'

'Grrr . . . of course I know James . . . now I shall have my revenge!!!!!!'

Gunshots are heard.

'Oww! Not bulletproof there!'

— — — _James and Henry — — — _

'. . . James.'

'Yeah?'

'Get off me.'

'Okay.'

Henry and James stood to find themselves in a stupid looking forest with a big lamp overhead. They were cold, very cold, except for James, who was in a jacket. Henry stepped forward, while James looked around.

'Well, there's nothing useful here,' James said.

'Okay, well, there's a gate here. Let's hope it opens.' Henry opened the gate. 'Yup, it does.' They proceeded, coming to a big factory-thing with lots of barrels around.

'I hear buzzing,' James said, picking his nose.

'Don't do that,' Henry said, disgusted.

'Do what?'

'_That_.'

'I'm not doing anything!' James went farther in, really digging at it.

'Stop picking your nose!'

'Prove I'm picking my nose!' Henry grabbed James's arm and pulled it out, revealing a huge green blob on the tip of his index finger.

'Okay,' James said. 'Case closed.'

Suddenly (once more! Muahaha!) a big insect flew right into James, knocking him over. As he recovered, he looked around — no trace of anything.

'Okay, we're go—' Fifty more hit James at once from behind. Henry took out the pistol and began blasting every one he could see. James was swatting them out of the sky with the golf club, and soon there weren't any left. Proud of themselves, they turned a corner . . .

. . . only to have their clocks' cleaned by a ghost.

'Not again!' Henry screamed as he fell back, holding his bleeding nose. 'That's it! You're going _down!_' He blasted the thing relentlessly as James beat it mercilessly with the golf club.

'Not fair, man, not fair! Two to one! _BOYS!_' Suddenly all the ghosts from the subway leapt out with baseball bats.

'Run like Hell!' Henry screamed as he and James took off for a gate, throwing it open and shutting it. 'Okay, we're good. Because, despite their being able to come through walls, they can't pass through a meagre fence.'

'Henry, why do some things make perfect sense here, but in the real world they don't?' James asked.

'Because you're a special person, James,' Henry sighed. 'And you're the only one who understands them.'

'Thank you,' James said. 'Me understand.'

Henry shook his head and took off down the trail before the ghosts could figure out that he was being sarcastic. They came to a car that was running, with the brake engaged and a notepad on the seat: _T-t-t-t-t-this place is so c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cool. But whenever I come to a c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cool place like Silent Hill, I get really t-t-thirst-t-t-t-ty. Mebbe I'll meet The Devil? Oh g-g-g-g-golly gee z-z-z-z-zippity-doo!_

Then there was another one: _Hide the key, or you'll be lost 43v3r._

'Okay, this is pointless. James!' Henry cried. No reply. Shrugging, Henry, though regretting it, walked to the nearby gate leading out. Suddenly (:D) James leapt out with a chainsaw, screaming gibberish. Henry leapt back and opened fire, missing James every time, but coming close.

'Ha!' James said. 'Dude, check it out! Now we're unstop—' The chainsaw's blade fell off, and the tank crumbled to dust.

Henry sighed. 'Get your golf club, and let's go.'

Continuing on a little, they came to two big stones, with a teenage guy with a buzz cut standing on a stone, smoking a roll of sweet, sticky Mary Jane. James pushed him over, snarling like a beast, and took a huge puff of the blunt.

'I needs me spinach,' he explained. And then he coughed unbelievably hard, choking. 'What is this!?'

'I-I-I-I-It's a flaming t-t-t-t-t-t-taquito,' the guy said angrily as he stood up.

'Why the fuck did you set a taquito on fire?' Henry asked.

'H-H-H-H-How else c-c-could I h-h-h-h-heat it?'

'He's got a point,' Henry whispered to James.

'An-n-n-nyway, you came to investigate this s-s-s-st-t-t-tone too, huh?'

'No,' Henry said. 'Yes,' James said. 'I mean, no.'

'The natives used to call it Kn-n-n-n-n-n-nock-Knockhona. Used it in a ceremony for t-t-t-t-talkin' to their d-d-d-d-dead ancestors. Now those g-g-g-g-guys are u-u-u-usin' it too. C-C-C-C-Call it the "M-M-Mother Stone". They're just u-up ahead. Op-operating some crazy r-r-religious cult. They used to collect or-or-orphans, and did t-t-t-t-t-t-t-things to 'em. K-Kinda gives you the c-c-chills, huh?'

James and Henry were gone.

'M-M-Motherfuckers,' Jasper, the guy, muttered.

Ultimately the two idiots came to a big building.

'I don't like the look of this place,' James said. 'It reminds me of that time that we got trapped in a haunted house.'

— _Flashback_ —

'_Henry, I can't take it anymore!' James screamed, jumping on the floor and rolling around, terrified._

'_Uh, James, buddy . . .' Henry said. 'We're . . . still outside . . .'_

'_Oh,' James said, standing. 'On second thought, this house looks pretty nor—'_

_Henry opened the door and Scissorman from Clock Tower was standing there. Both screamed like girls before James entered 'panic mode' and began to fight off the assailant._

'_I feel bad about this,' Henry sighed as he turned and ran down the hill, leaving James alone to fight Scissorman._

_Scissorman stopped attacking. 'Wanna play Halo?' he asked._

_James paused. 'No. But I will play Guitar Hero. Last time I played Halo, it wasn't too pretty . . .'_

_Author with a Mullet: No, no flashbacks within flashbacks._

'_What flashback?'_

_Author with a Mullet: Forget I said anything . . ._

— _End Flashback —_

'I liked you better when you had the mullet . . .' James said.

Author: I didn't cut it by choice . . .

'Jeesh, you act like we care,' James scoffed.

Author: I have the power to kill you off, James.

'Yeah, I read the script. I like my death, though.'

Author: Damn it . . . . . . . . . . now we have to start the story all over again!

'Not happening,' Henry said.

Author: Then _move_!'

— — — _Somewhere else — — —_

A strange frog creature wielding a broadsword, clad in armour, was fending off skeletons with swords and shields while a robot was shooting them with a huge shoulder cannon. Behind them was an orange-haired kid, screwing around with some device of some sort.

'Hasten, Crono!' the frog cried. 'Disarmeth the bomb!'

The robot muttered 'What the hell _time_ has evil skeletons attacking people who attempt to deactivate a bomb?'

Crono, in a very deep voice, cried 'Fool, I dunno what wire to cut. Red or blue!?'

'Red wire!' Robo cried. 'Blue wire!' he corrected. 'Red wire! Blue wire! Red wire! Blue wire! Red wire!'

'Blue wire!' Crono cried as he cut the red one. The bomb shut off, and the skeletons died.

'Frog, good job,' Robo said. 'Your husband, Cyrus, would be proud.'

'One of these days, Prometheus, I will kick thine ass.'

'I'm lookin' forward to it,' Robo said. 'Know you'll enjoy it . . .' he muttered.

'_IT'S ON LIKETH DONKEY KONG, BITCH!_' Frog screamed as he leapt on Robo.

— — — _James_ — — —

James and Henry had split up: James went to Peluca Lake via a mountain tunnel, and found a simple med-kit. He looked across Peluca Lake and saw where he and the Chrono Trigger gang had been rowing across. Then he saw the Lakeview Hotel far off, and sighed, missing the old days.

'Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaames . . .' came a voice from somewhere. He leapt up, grabbing the golf club and holding it up to swing. From over the railing there stepped a familiar blonde, clad in stripper clothing and smelling of catfish.

James turned and ran, screaming at the top of his lungs.

— — — _Henry_ — — —

Henry was fighting off dogs with the pistol when he heard James's traditional girly scream far off, and he thought he was screaming '_Maria_!' Ignoring it, he turned back to the dogs and bludgeoned them to death with the pipe. Running inside of a big courtyard, he saw a little boy.

'Hey,' he said. 'Little boy – what are you doing here?'

The boy was about answer when Jasper came out, pointing at him and saying 'You're . . . f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-finally, the th-th-third revelation! Something _big_ is gonna happen! Finally, it's gonna happen! Uh hee hee, uh hee hee, uh hee hee hee hee _HA_!' He was gone. The little boy flipped him off as he made for the door.

'_MAAAAAAAAAAAAAARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAA!_' A green figure burst through the door, scaring the boy and knocking him high in the air and out of the courtyard. James fell to his stomach, crying inconsolably as Henry left the courtyard. James looked up.

'Hey! Wait for me!' He ran after Henry.

— — — _Back at the Wish House — — —_

Henry walked back the door of the house and tried to kick it in — it was magically shut, however.

'T-T-The door w-won't ope-open. That n-n-nosy guy who was here, he g-g-gave me something really good! I c-c-could let you h-have it, but n-n-not for free. I'm r-r-r-really thirsty! Chocolate!'

'Come on James,' Henry said as they went to the H013 conveniently placed in a wall nearby.

— — — _Room 302 — — —_

'James, get the chocolate milk that's in the fridge. I'm gonna take a piss.'

James opened the door to the refrigerator and grabbed the chocolate milk inside. 'You know,' he muttered. 'I'm thirsty too . . .' The blonde drank every single ounce of the milk, shaking it for more, before he realised he had erred. '_DAMNIT!_ Now I have to piss!'

_Lightbulb!_

— — — _Back at Wish House — — — _

'Here's the chocolate milk,' Henry said, handing him the chocolate milk. Jasper pulled out a bloody spade and threw it on the ground as he opened the cap to the chocolate milk.

'I was saving that milk for myself,' Henry muttered.

'_EWWW! OH GOD!_' Jasper screamed, throwing the milk down on the ground and spitting the contents in his mouth upon the wall.

'Why is the milk yellow?' Henry wondered.

'We should go,' James said as he walked out the door.

'You mother—' Jasper cried as the gate closed. 'I've got someone _else's_ piss on my jeans!' he screamed at the top of his lungs.

Written on the spade, as Henry soon found out by reading it, was '_Dig under the hand, unless you're gay — ooh, BURN!_' Henry and James dug under the hand and found a key that had written on it '_T3h h0ld3r 0f th1s k3y 5h411 w4nd3r 4 3t3rn1ty._'

The duo tried to make it back to the Wish House, but they got caught in a fog. James went back to the apartment to put the key back using a conveniently placed H013, and Henry ran back to Wish House. James came back sporting a new golf club, and he tossed the old one away. Henry went back to the apartment through the H013 at the Wish House, got the key, and went back, unlocking the door.

Entering, James and Henry found a thick book, burned, on the floor — the only part they could read was:

'_The Third Sign: And God said: Return to Source-Code through sin's Temptation. Under the watchful eye of the Stalker, wander alone in the formless Chaos. Then separate from the flesh she who is the Mother Reborn, and he who is the final Receiver of Wisdom._' They heard a door close. James found a cigar, and lit it with a lighter he found. He looked to Henry and offered him a lit one. Henry refused.

'Okay,' James said, tossing the _lit_ cuban cigar on the floor. 'Your—' Suddenly a huge stream of fire blazed from the floor to under the doorway of the room that Jasper was in, apparently. James leapt back, screaming, as Henry reached on the wall and grabbed a fire extinguisher. Putting out the fire, the two relaxed, before they heard the cries of pain.

'Jasper,' they muttered and took a placard off the door that read 'Source-Code' and showed a guy at a computer. Opening the door, they found Jasper was on fire. _17121_ were carved in his chest.

'There are the numbers!' James laughed.

'_I FINALLY MET HIM!_' Jasper wailed in agony. '_THE ONE THE NOSY GUY TALKED ABOUT: THE DEVILLLLLL!_' Then he died, and the whole building ignited.

'Fuck a monkey!' Henry screamed as he tried to force the door open. Thankfully, everything went black at that moment.


	4. Chapter 4: Aqua Jail

Chapter 4: Aqua Jail

Henry sat up from his bed as James got off of the couch, listening to the sound of the door knocking — err, I mean, someone knocking on the door. That's better.

'Who, oh who, could that be!?' James said whistfully as the duo examined the chained door. On other side of the peephole was Eileen Calvin, dressed in lingerie and with a bow in her hair (crossbow, to be exact).

'Bobby!' moaned as she knocked on the door again. Henry reared back and kicked the door to see if she'd notice. She didn't. The two proceeded to make faces at Eileen as she started right through them.

'There's something going on in this room,' she said to herself.

'What do you mean?' came an older male's voice. A voice that sent unbelievable fear down James's and Henry's spines. Because that voice belonged to:

'_**RICHARD BRAINFART**_' they cried in unison. Sure enough, an old, bass heavy jazz song began to play as Richard strolled into view, wearing a blue shirt, brown trousers, and a tie with Venus and Serena Williams on it.

'I heard weird noises from inside there,' Eileen explained. 'I think they kidnapped Bobby!'

'Not Bobby again . . .' Richard muttered. 'Look, Eileen — that's _Henry_ and _James_. They're the biggest losers and freaks in this apartment building —— aside from Sunderland . . .'

— — — _Sunderland's room — — —_

Frank Sunderland sat with his knees to his chest, a red box in his cupped left hand as his right stroked it gently. He rocked back in forth, laughing quietly and maniacally.

'My . . . Precious . . .'

— — — _Room 302 — — —_

'But still . . .' Eileen pouted.

'Look, I'll go call the super. Just, don't think about it, and go to bed or something.' Eileen left the peephole's view. Richard looked left to right, then pulled out his revolver, getting right up in the peephole.

'_Look!_' he growled. James and Henry jumped. 'I _know_ you have my money! I want it! It was a fair game, and I won, so cough it up!'

'H013, H013!' James screamed as he and Henry ran to the bathroom and climbed through the much larger H013.

— — — _H013y crap! — — —_

Henry woke up on a damp, metal floor, very cold and the whole front of his shirt wet. 'Dude!' he cried. 'This is new! You know how much this cost! _Screeeeew youuuuuuuu!_'

Suddenly something hit in hard on the head, knocking him on his back, moistening the back too. It was James.

'Oh,' he said. 'Hi, Henry!'

'James, you son of a bitch . . . I'm going to kill you.'

'I love you too!'

'What?'

'Nothing.'

'Get up!'

James got up, grabbed his golf club, and began to hum quietly. Henry stood, grabbing the pistol and the pipe. Suddenly there came a wail: 'Heeeeeelp meeeeeeee!'

'You go that way!' Henry cried to James, pointing. James nodded, and took off after Henry. 'Damn it James!'

'Sorry!' James yelled as he ran the opposite direction.

They both came to a fat guy trapped in a cell. 'Help!' he cried. 'Get me out of here! He's gonna kill me! Walter's gonna kill me!'

'Walter Sullivan?' Henry asked.

'Help!'

'James,' Henry said to the person whose name I just said, 'you stay here and look after this guy. I'll go and find a way to open the cell.'

'Kay,' James said. Henry left.

— — — _Somewhere foggy — — —_

'Come on,' Maria said as she crossed her arms, since it was below freezing outside. 'This is a dumb idea. Why did you ever—'

'Shut up!' Tom the Pyramid Head said. 'You can die an infinite amount of times and come back no matter what, so hypothermia is not among the few concerns I have.'

'Why don't you fight them alone, then?' Maria said as she stormed off.

'Wait! Listen, baby, this is our chance to get _rich_! But we need to work together — kapeesh?'

'I guess. But, the plan is kind of . . .'

'Retarded?'

'Yeah.'

'Jim made it.'

'Oh, I see.'

'Well,' Tom said quickly. 'Here's your pipe. Go kill them!'

'How do I get Henry if he's got a gun!?'

'Do what _anyone_ would do: hit him when he's not looking!'

'Okay.'

— — — _Henry — — — _

Henry had unlocked the doors that led outside, and was currently standing on a great grate overlooking endless fog, the grate spiralling nearly endlessly. Henry haphazardly ran forward.

Suddenly a blunt object hit him in the head, sending him to the ground and forcing his hand to release the pistol. Maria slid down and took the gun, exclaiming 'Yoink!' as she walked away.

'Dark ribbon chicken waffle,' Henry muttered in confusion as he sat up, holding his head. 'James is in trouble!' he screamed as he tried to open the door. It was locked once more. Thinking hard, he ran up to the top floor and opened the sluice gate, then came back down to the second level and opened it. He instantly began checking all the rooms, until he stood before a big, double-headed ape creature.

'_Receiver,_' it muttered as it pointed at him. Henry, grabbing the pipe, approached it in his battle stance.

'Receive this, bitch.'

— — — _James — — —_

'So then I was like "No way!", and Henry was like "Ya!" and I was like "_No way_!", then Henry was like, "Yes, James!", so I was like "_NO WAY!_", and Henry was like "_JAMES SHUT UP_!". And that's why we owe Brainfart money. Are you awake?'

The fat man was laying asleep on his cot.

'. . . and then I was like—'

James had no opportunity to finish, for a voice interrupted him at that moment — an over-masculine female's voice.

'James!' said Maria, who stood a distance away from him.

'Ahh!' James cried, grabbing the golf club. Maria laughed a creepy, still-masculine laugh.

'Oh dear James, that won't protect you.' She raised the pistol.

'I thought you were dead!' James screamed.

'That was a scam!' she laughed, and twirled the pistol about. 'For, you see, during your little escapade in Silent Hill, Pyramid Head and I got married!'

— _Flashback_ —

_Pyramid Head kneeled before Maria, holding a box containing a wedding ring in it. Maria looked at him disdainfully._

'_I really don't think so,' she said sadly._

'_Look, you got herpes and every disease in the book — so do I. It's either me, or nobody!'_

'_. . . Ah Hell . . . why not?' The two were officially married._

'_Let's kill James,' they both said at the same time. 'I love you. No, I love you. Stop it!'_

— _End Flashback —_

'That was really retarded,' James muttered. Maria gasped.

'You're the retard!' she fumed. 'I can't believe I relied on you to protect me! Even though I was hired by someone to travel with you, I still started to like you. But no more! You let me die! Now, I'm going to kill you in turn!'

_Crack!_

'Ahh!' Maria screamed as she fell forward. Henry stood behind her, steel pipe in hand, smirking.

'Home run, bitch,' he said as he took the pistol. 'Yoink!'

'Henry!' James cried as he kicked Maria in the ribs, then embraced Henry tightly.

'Ahh! Dude, no, stop! I don't swing that way, stop! _STOP!_' James let go of Henry, and the two looked down at Maria.

— — — _Pyramid Head, ten minutes later — — —_

'_On bed we live, on bed we sleep, making love and I become you — flesh is warm, with naked feet --- stabbing thorns, and you become meat — oh-ho . . ._ Ahhhh!'

Pyramid Head was on the roof, where he found Maria naked, chained to the valve handle. She was shivering profusely, her teeth chattering, and she looked up at him angrily.

'Your b-b-b-buddy's plan didn't w-w-w-work!' Maria shivered.

_Flash!_

'Heh, this is totally going on my profile . . .' Pyramid laughed as he took pictures. Then he took a prybar and whooped the Hell out of the chain.

'Well, Walter's waiting for us to let Andrew out. Since Henry and James aren't competent enough, I guess we actually have to.'

'F-f-fine with me,' Maria said as Tom gave her his robe. 'B-b-but what about you—'

'Everyone knows I don't feel anything. That's why I'm the coolest boss in video game history.'

'T-t-true that.' So they walked down to the first floor, humming 'Interstate Love Song' by STP as they held hands.

— — — _A few minutes later — — —_

Henry and James were looking upon the fat man (who'd been released after Maria and Tom rotated the rooms) talking to the little kid. James hid behind Henry.

'Please, Walter . . .' the man said. 'Let me stay in there . . . don't want to die in here . . . he'll kill me . . . let me stay in there . . . Walter!'

The kid walked away, and Henry approached the man slowly. 'Boo!' he screamed.

'_DEAR GOD!_' the fat guy screamed as he jumped back. 'Oh, whew . . . you scared me!'

'Who is that boy?' Henry asked. 'And who are you?'

'His name is Walter . . .' the man said as he stood up. 'Walter Sullivan. And I'm Andrew Dissolve-you. I worked at the orphanage, watching over the kids.'

'Cool.' Henry walked away. James followed him.

— — — _Somewhere dark and gloomy — — — _

'At last!' Frog cried as he, Crono, and Robo ran down a blue-flame lit path. They came to a big circle, and, as the lights came on, they saw Magus standing before them, blue hair flowing down his shoulders as his arms were raised.

'Magus!' Frog yelled as he brandished the Masamune, 'I have something for you!'

'I-It's that stupid Frog!' Magus scoffed. 'Ah, the Masamune!'

'Yes, the Masamune,' Crono said dryly. 'The Author should double-check the order of these lines, 'cuz I think it's off.'

'Shut up, boy.' Suddenly a weird, scratching noise echoed through the room. 'The black wind howls . . . okay, give me your best shot . . .' He swung around, holding a scythe:

'If you're prepared for the Void!'

— — — _Maria and Pyramid Head — — —_

Tom and Maria sat on the ledge by the waterwheel, Maria now dressed, and Tom's robe back on.

Tom sighed. 'Well, shootin' in the dark, babe, you wanna do it?'

'No,' Maria said. 'I got pwned by Henry and James. _Henry and James!_' She began to cry.

'. . . you got pwned by Henry and James. I got pwned by _James_.'

Maria broke out into uncontainable laughter.

_Sometimes, love requires the loss of pride,_ Pyramid Head thought. _Whoa, that's too insightful . . . shut up, bitch! That's better._

Suddenly a man in a blue trench coat and holding a steel pipe came to them. He dabbed his forehead with a napkin, then threw it away.

'Andrew gone?' Maria sighed.

'Yup,' the man said. 'Drowned him.'

'Can we go now?' Tom sighed. 'The pot I smoked in large quantities before coming here is now wearing off, and I need the buzz to put up with this shit!'

'Okay, that's a wrap! Back to base!'

— — — _Henry and James — — — _

'Can we get a dog?' James asked Henry as the brunette input a code to get into the death chamber.

'No,' Henry replied.

'Kay, can we name it Fluffy?'

'Yeah—wait, James, I said no.'

'Oh.'

The door opened and the two stepped through. Immediately they spotted Andrew Dissolve-you's body floating upright, the numbers _18121_ carved in his stomach.

'Okay, this was the stupidest death I've seen so far,' Henry said. 'Sorry, but, seriously, walking in and seeing him float . . . that's it? Psshh . . . this place was so creepy, it should have been coo—'

— — — _Room 302 — — —_

'—ler,' Henry said as he sat up in bed. He and James met in the living room and decided to eat something.

'Mac & Cheese?' James asked hopefully.

'Nah,' Henry said. 'I made pot-brownies yesterday.'

'_YAY!_'

— — — _Magus's lair — — —_

Magus sat defeated, on the ground, clutching his scythe. He looked up at Frog. 'I shall now unleash my secret weapon: Red Bull!'

Magus drank a can of Red Bull and began to glow — he then sprouted wings, and tried to fly away. Suddenly a big blue gate appeared under everyone, and they fell in, Magus screaming a final '_Screeeeew youuuuuu_.'

— — — _Room 302 — — —_

'I feel good, Henry.'

'Me too, James.'

'H013?'

'Hmm . . . yeah, H013.'

—_To Be Continued . . ._

— — —

_What will happen to the Chrono Trigger gang? Where will the H013 lead? Where is 'the base'? Tune in next time for: The Building World!!!!_

_P.S: Tom sings 'Still Remains' by Stone Temple Pilots (STP)._

_P.S.S: I don't know! I just wanted to write P.S.S!_

_P.S.S.S: Okay, this is the last time._

—

—

—

— _P.S.S.S.S: NOT!_


	5. Chapter 5: Hashfield

Chapter 5: Hashfield

Henry woke up on concrete, and James too, but Henry was in a long hallway, whereas James was on a big cliff overlooking the hallway. Henry was the first wake up, standing and listening to a bunch of animal noises.

James licked his lips and rolled over, falling off the cliff and landing on a big pile of planks and such. 'OWW!' he screamed, rolling off them, and onto the concrete. Standing, he held his left side, and limped to Henry. 'Where are we?'

'Well, I don't know,' Henry stated, pulling out the pistol. Looking up, the duo saw monkey-creatures leaping from the windowsills on the left side — James swallowed and grabbed the golf club. Henry cast him a concerned glance.

They ran like idiots out onto a parking lot then went down some stairs—then their greatest fear came true. One of the monkeys dropped down.

'Ahh!' James screamed as he leapt backwards, shielding his face and curling up in a ball. Henry sighed and blasted the monster to kingdom come.

'Are you okay?' he asked James.

'It's just like that time at the zoo!' James wailed.

— _Flashback_ —

_James and Henry are at Ashfield Zoo, in front of the monkey cage; James, looking left to right, decides it'd be fun to scale the bars ( . . . somehow) and drop over into the monkey cage. Henry stood there, watching as James imitated one of the monkeys._

_Suddenly a huge, mutant ape with wings landed behind James, with red eyes and strong arms. James halted, and turned slowly to face the monster. It seized him in its arms, and dragged him into the cave at the back of the display area._

'_Henry!' James screamed. 'Nooooooooooooooooooo!'_

'_James!' Henry cried, punching one of the zoo employees and taking his shock baton. 'I'm comin', buddy!' Henry scaled the cage and dropped inside, running to the cave._

— _End Flashback —_

'I'll n-n-never forget what Bruno did to me in there,' James pouted.

'Nor will I,' Henry muttered, putting his head in his hands. 'Err, anyway, let's get out of here.'

'B-b-b-but the monk—'

'If you want to stay here and get raped by evil mutant monkeys, be my guest. Me, I'm getting out of here.'

James, still crying, descended the stairs with Henry, muttering 'This can't be any worse.'

Suddenly a loud yell was heard, and from the roof there fell a man. He cursed, and stood, aiming his revolver at the duo. The duo, however, screamed and ran away, about to jump off the edge, but, because of a fear of pain, they made for a door. A shot rang out, stopping them dead in their tracks.

'You two . . .' the man said.

James got on his knees, grovelling, and Henry backed up, fumbling for the pistol. For the man before them was their greatest nemesis, that sly, brutal ladies' man that people called:

'Richard Brainfart!' Henry gasped.

Richard raised his revolver in the air. 'What in the hell are you two doing here?'

'We – uh — H013 — James and I — monsters — people die — monkeys.'

'Same here,' Richard said, eyeing them skeptically. 'Jane, get up!' James leapt up, on the verge of crying. 'Suck it up, or I'll blow your head off!'

'But Richard, that's not powerful enou—'

'You too, Mary!' Richard barked.

'_**MARY**_!' James screamed, bolting for the door and running through it, then cracking it slightly to watch Henry and Richard.

'Where the hell am I?'

'I dunno,' Henry said.

'That H013 . . . and this _**freeeeeeeaaaaaky**_ world. But if you're here . . . than that must mean there's something wrong with the whole apartment!'

'Yeah, you just noticed?'

— _Flashback —_

_Henry was standing in the shower, singing 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun', when the shower suddenly started to spray blood. The brunette sighed, got a towel, and got the phone._

'_Sunderland?' he said._

— _Another Flashback —_

_Brainfart was walking down the hallway, having just got back from a 'business call', and was covered in 'ketchup'._

'_Get out!' came a loud whisper that went through the whole apartment. Richard pulled out his revolver and started blasting the walls. 'Oww! Stop that!'_

'_Make me,' Richard scoffed as he approached his door. It swung open on itself (odd, as Richard's room opens inward . . .) and hit him in the nose, breaking it and causing him to fall back._

'_Damn . . .' he sighed._

— _End Flasback —_

'Anyway, that explains what happened to that _other_ guy, too.'

'Wiki-wiki-what other guy?' Henry said.

'The guy who lived in Room 302 before you. A journalist — he disappeared one day. He got pretty crazy toward the end — locked himself up in his room and wouldn't come out.'

'Sounds familiar,' Henry said, thinking hard.

'Anyway, I'm getting the Hell out of here. You should too — if you know what's good for you.' Richard walked through the door James had went through; he pushed James down, and continued.

James and Henry followed him.

— — — _A Parking lot — — —_

The Chrono Trigger gang fell from the sky, landing hard on the concrete, their weapons magically gone. Gone was Magus, and very cold was the Chrono Trigger gang.

'Where art we?' Frog exclaimed as he stood, reaching for the Masamune. 'Nay! Cannot be! Mine blade be gone! Devilry of Magus!'

'My weapon is gone too,' Crono said, looking around.

'How did we survive that fall?' Robo beeped. 'Would anyone like a Pepsi?'

'No,' both the others reply.

'Okay. My offer will stand.'

'We'd like a map, though,' Crono said.

'I don't have access to the Internet from here.'

'What?' Frog asked.

'Huh?' Crono asked.

'Primates . . .' Robo mumbled. 'Err, nevermind.'

'What the!?' came a woman's voice from behind them. Maria and Tom stood there, stunned.

'Thou art the lass from our last adventure with Lord Sunderland!' Frog cried.

'Maria!?' Robo beeped.

'Bingo,' Maria said as she pulled out a whip.

'Day-umm!' Crono cried.

Maria raised the whip to smite them, and Tom grabbed his spear. From behind the trio there came a resounding bang, and then another — Maria dropped the whip, and Tom cried out as his hand began to bleed. Richard Brainfart stood behind Frog, revolver smoking. Bass heavy jazz music began to play, and a voice whispered '_Brainfart!_'. Richard stepped forward, spinning the revolver around his finger before he aimed it at the two again.

'How'd your aim get so good!?' Maria asked.

'Two reasons, babe: one, I'm cousins with Revolver Ocelot; two, I'm _Richard Brainfart_!'

'_Oooh! Brainfart!_' the voice said. The music stopped.

'Huh? Maria? It's _Richard_! From 207!'

'Whoa, Richard!' Maria cried. 'Whoo, that was a _craaaazy_ night.'

'The chains were my idea — and you said rope was better. Still using the whip, I see.'

'Yeah.'

'What art thou two conversing about?' Frog asked.

'Intercourse, I presume,' Robo beeped.

'Noone shoots my wife!' Tom screamed as he floated into the air. '_Hadouken Fireball!_'

The fireball leapt from Tom's hand, and it sailed right into Richard. Fortunately, it did absolutely nothing.

'You can't hurt _FIRE_ with _FIRE_!' Richard cried. 'I'm too _HOT_ for that, dude.'

'If you can't fight fire with fire, then that means you can't shoot me either! _HAHAHAHA_—'

A shot rang out — Tom held his other hand. 'AHHHH!'

'You are the opposite of _FIRE_!' Richard cried.

'God,' Maria scoffed. 'Shut up!' She grabbed Tom's hand and they walked away. Maria then lifted her skirt, and a bunch of crabs fell out, growing into Gum Heads.

'Get 'em, boys.' She and Tom left.

Brainfart (_ooh!_) raised his revolver and began to systematically blast the monkeys to death.

— — — _Albert's Sporting Goods — — —_

Henry stooped and grabbed a baseball bat from the ground, while James replaced his completely unused golf club with a new one –– again. Henry went down some stairs and found himself in a pet store. Wanting to try out the bat, he approached two Sniffer Dogs in his battle stance.

'James!' came a scream nearby, and Henry barely avoided a knife to his throat as he ducked. The dogs attacked, but he swung the bat, connecting with it in mid-air and sending it through the wall. He turned to see his adversary.

It was a black-haired girl, in a white (ish) sweater and red sweatpants (?) with sneakers. In her hand was a knife. Henry pulled out the pistol and aimed it at her.

'Oh you did _not_ just swipe at _my_ throat, did you?' he said. 'Don't you know who I am?' The Benny Hill chase-music played in the background. 'I'm Townshend!'

No voice.

'Oh come on!' Henry yelled. 'Why does Richard get his own theme song, and his own announcer-guy to say "_Brainfart (ooh!)_"?'

Author: Um, because he's radical and you're . . . well, next to him . . . _YOU'RE LAME!_

Richard: Booya! (High-five's the Author)

Author: (sigh) It's too bad that you die in a few pages.

Richard: _WHAT!?_

Author: Err . . . nothing.

Err: Who keeps saying my name?

Author: No! Go back to ATHF! You're not in this story!

Ignignokt: Oh but we are, Earthling. Surrender to us now your primitive beer, so that we may make with it _Moon_ beer, the king of all beers.

Err: And expensive!

Iggy: Yes, it is VERY expensive. Higher than your primitive 'Bill Gates' makes a year.

Author: Is that why the price tag says '600 moon credits?'

Iggy: . . . well . . . the perception of numbers is much different on the Moon. 600 of our credits equals one of your Earth dollars.

Author: . . . . . . . . . is that good?

Iggy: . . . come Err, we must evacuate immediately.

Henry stood there the whole time, listening intently, until the dam burst, and he said '_WHAT IS HAPPENING?_'

— — — _Mariahead_ — — —

'_Got a Pyramid Head — better than the rest — green to the red — Pyramid Head . . ._' Maria sang as her and her husband came upon the man in the blue coat in a parking lot.

'Walter!' Tom cried.

'Tom!' Walter cried.

'Jerry!' Maria cried sarcastically.

'Why do you persist in insulting me by calling me that?' Tom said, near the verge of tears.

'Oh,' Maria said. 'I'm sorry baby . . .' She began to kiss Pyramid Head (though how she ever accomplished that with the helmet on, I don't know) — suddenly she kneed him in the balls.

'Dangit! You know that I use those more than my _heart_!' he screamed.

'What'd you do, Maria?' Walter asked, trying keep a straight face.

'I kneed his balls,' Maria said casually. Both Walter and Tom erupted in laughter, unable to stop.

'What?' Maria asked, angry. 'All I said was "I kneed his balls"!'

The two continued to laugh uncontrollably.

Author: Say that slower.

'I — kneed — his — balls.'

'You – you said that you need his balls!' Walter panted, then he broke down again, and fell on his side.

'Ugh,' the blonde woman groaned. 'You two are like three year olds.'

'At least we don't need Tom's balls!'

'I do,' Tom said dryly.

'Heh, well, anyway,' Walter said, 'let's get to the reason I called you guys here.' He pulled out a bunch of golf clubs, and handed each person one. 'Henry and James will be passing by here soon. I figure that we can kill James and apprehend Henry — then my plan will work perfectly!'

'Walter, dude, these things suck,' Tom said, swinging his around. 'Why do we have to use golf clubs?'

'_SO WE MATCH!_' Walter cried. 'Do you know nothing of fashion? Of course not, you hang with _her_.'

Maria gasped — Pyramid Head lunged for Walter, choking him while screaming '_I'LL KILL YOU, YOU MOTHERLESS FREAK!_'

— — — _Somewhere, I don't care anymore — — —_

Author: Good attitude, announcer guy . . .

'_Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage!_' James sang. '_Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage! And someone will say what is lost, and can never be saved! Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a — CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!_'

'**SHUT UP!**' Henryscreamed. The two entered an elevator, which immediately began going down. Richard Brainfart was in the adjacent elevator on the 'middle' floor, toting his gun around before a little kid.

'Who are you?' he said. 'You look a lot like a little punk I once caught sneaking around Room 302 once — do you know something about what's going on?' The boy turned and ran. 'Hey, hey you!_**STOP!**_'

'He shouldn't have run,' Henry said, shivering. The elevator reached the first floor. Henry moved to open the door.

'_**UP! WEE!**_' James screamed.

'James!' Henry screamed as the elevator took of upward when Henry was outside. 'You moron!'

— — — _James_ — — —

James opened the doors and found himself in a long hallway. Running down it, he found a long spade and a sword on the ground. 'Sweet!' he said as he grabbed them — stuffing the spade in his pocket, and the sword he held in his hands. A ghost turned the corner, holding a trowel in his hand.

'**Diiiiiiiiiieeee!**' the Ghost screamed as it swung the trowel. James juked the hit, and slashed the ghost with the sword. Blood sprayed everywhere, and the ghost screamed in pain as it disappeared in a cloud of red smoke. James looked down at it, but then shook his head. 'Not my style,' he said as he pulled out the spade. 'But at least now we have two . . .'

— _Flashback —_

_James and Henry came into a room with a birthday cake on the table, with a ghost pinned under a sword beside it. The ghost gurgled and kicked, drawing out protagonists' attention._

'_Heh,' Henry said as he nudged the ghost with the pipe. 'Not so tough are you . . .' He stomped forcefully on the ghost's throat. '. . . __**NOW!?**__'_

_He and James proceeded to beat it nonstop — they then ripped the sword out, and moved on. The ghost sat up, rubbing its throat and head. 'I'm going to kill them . . .'_

— _End Flashback —_

— — — _Henry_ — — —

The elevator returned to its normal position, and the duo continued down a ladder and into an alley. They encountered two more ghosts. Henry pulled out the baseball bat and thrashed it relentlessly — as he turned to the other one, James, with a barbaric yell, stabbed the spade through its chest and lifted it in the air, then sent a plasma burst through the handle, blowing it into hundreds of fragments. Henry looked at him in awe.

'Where'd you get a spade?' he asked.

'Long story . . . okay, not really, it's cooler if I say "long story" than "no story".'

'Whatever, let's just go!'

In the next area, they ran to the centre of a parking lot before they discovered that it was infested with monsters — the duo was surrounded!!!!!1111!!!!!!!!

'Cyrus!' came a cry from high atop the nearest building.

James's eyes lit up as Frog, Robo, and Crono came crashing down upon the nearest Gum Heads, beating them brutally with their fists. Pulling out his spade, James proceeded to engage the nearest Gum Head. Henry pulled out the pistol and began blasting them.

— — — _Walter, Tom, and Maria — — —_

'This is all your fault,' Walter pouted. 'Because of you, they're now grouped with those weird guys that came through the portal!'

'_MY FAULT!?_' Tom screamed. '_YOU CHOSE THE SUCKY GOLF CLUBS! WE WOULD HAVE BEEN OWNED!_'

'But—'

'_NO BUTS!_' Maria screamed, like Tom. '_DON'T BLAME US FOR YOUR DESIRE TO HAVE OUR WEAPONS "MATCH"!_'

'. . . I'm gonna kill Brainfart!' Walter suddenly cried, and ran away.

Tom and Maria settled down, and then looked at each other. 'You're so hot when you're mad,' Maria said as she clawed Tom's robes.

'Not now,' Tom said. 'But, when we get to the Apartments, sure. Right now, let's get out of here before they show up.' They took off.

— — — _Henry and co. — — —_

'_**DIBS**_!' Henry screamed as he lunged for an axe that lay on a barstool. He gave his bat to Frog, and the pipe to Crono, then turned to James. 'Introduce us.'

'Oh,' James said. 'This is Frog, this is Robo, this is Crono!'

'What?' Frog said. 'I'm not Crono!'

'Yeah,' Robo said too. 'I'm not Frog, either!'

'Doest thou know us, James?'

'Or the _order_ we go in?'

'Uh,' Henry said. 'I guessed which one was Frog and Robo, even if James got the order wrong. A frog named Robo would be silly, and remember: if anything else, this story is _not_ silly.'

'Let us just moveth on,' Frog said. 'I know not but one thing about the road ahead . . . it is hard.'

'That's what she said!' Robo screamed.

'Pardon?' Frog asked angrily, as if on the verge of killing someone.

'Oh, I'm sorry Frog. That's what _he_ said.'

'_**GRRRRR!**_' Frog growled as he thwacked Robo hard with the bat, knocking him across the room and forcing him on his back.

'You grew a pair,' Robo beeped. Frog lunged at him while his eyes bulged and grew red, but Crono restrained him.

'It's not worth it, man, it's not worth it!'

Henry, ignoring all of this like he was so good at, looked at the keypad on the nearby door. 'I don't have a clue what the door code is!' he cried. 'I guess . . .'

_1111_

_1112_

_1113_

_1114_

'Something is tempting me to press _0000_,' James muttered.

'Screw this!' Henry cried as he kicked the door open. The party came before a _huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge_ stairway.

— — — _Two hours later — — — _

'Holy — holy — holy crap,' Henry said as he bent over the stairway, panting. The rest of the gang came up behind him. Room 207 of South Ashfield Heights sat before them, and not caring what was inside, they opened it up (after taking the Chaos Placard).

Richard Brainfart was strapped to an electric chair, being electrocuted to the point of his eyes turning white. The little kid was pointing out a nearby window.

'K-kid?' Brainfart (_ooh_) struggled to say. 'T-t-t-t-t-t-that's n-n-n-o kid! It's the 1-1-1-2-1 m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-man!'

''Twas the man who rescued us from the lass and the monster!' Frog mourned.

'I'm not sure if I'm sad, or happy,' James said.

Everything went black.

—_To Be Continued . . ._

_What will Tom and Maria do? What's the kid's secret? Is James happy or sad? Tune in next time for: The Apartment World!_

_P.S: Maria sings a parody of 'Machinehead' by Bush — James sings 'Bullet with Butterfly Wings' by The Smashing Pumpkins._

_11 pages long._


	6. Chapter 6: Abnormal Apartments  Again

Chapter 6: Abnormal Apartments – Again

Henry woke up to a great weight on his torso — he found Frog and Crono laying on top of him. Jumping up and screaming, he heard James screaming also. When he got out to the living room, he saw Robo sitting there, and James had a can in his right hand.

'_**DIET 'DEW HAS ALL THE FLAVOUR OF REGULAR 'DEW!?**_'James screamed again.

'_**AND NONE OF THE CALORIES!**_' Robo finished.

'Oh, hey Henry!' James said, standing up. 'H013!?'

'Uhh . . . not yet. I'm gonna—' Henry then noticed the hole facing Eileen's apartment. 'James, what is this?'

'That . . .' James said, '. . . would be a hole I've been using to spy on Eileen.'

Henry's face twisted. 'And . . . you didn't tell me about it!' He leapt onto his knees and jammed his eye against the hole, trying to catch a glimpse of Eileen.

'It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!' Eileen screamed as she began to imitate the Dancing Banana (if you haven't seen it, I'm not going to describe it to you — HA! Though as the name implies, it is a Dancing Banana. Meaning it's a banana, and it is dancing. Need I say more?) and she began to sing all the lyrics while floating around her apartment.

'Well . . .' Henry said, 'James check the notes under the door.'

'Hmm . . .' James said as he read the notes — 'Bla-bla . . . _Can't get out_ . . . _Insane_ . . . _Found the exit_ . . . _Weapon to defeat him_ . . . _Dancing Banana_ . . . nothing useful!'

'Okay. Everyone: **THROUGH THE H013!!**'

— — — _Somewhere through the H013 — — — _

'Aww . . .' Maria cooed, stepping into a small room covered in roses. 'Tom . . . you did all this for me?'

'Yes,' Tom said sheepishly. 'But that's not the best part — remember when I told you that there was a Gum Heads band called "_Bang, You're Dead, Bitch_"?'

'Yes,' she said, stepping further into the dark room.

'I booked them!' Tom said as he clicked a remote button, turning a disco light on, revealing Jim the Pyramid Head backed by three Gum Heads — one on lead guitar, one on drums, and one on bass.

'Oh my Samael!' Maria gasped. 'How much did all this cost?'

'Jim was just a bit of weed, but let's not discuss the Gum Heads.' He took Maria's hand. 'May I have this dance?'

'Oh, and here I thought you were gonna rape me for my birthday again!'

'Don't worry, that comes _after_ the dance. I got the riding crop, some whipped cream, and a rubber duck.'

'Why would I need a rubber duck?' Maria asked, baffled.

'Who said it was for you . . .?' Tom said, clutching the duck tighter. 'Hit it, Jim!'

Jim, who had the amazing ability to imitate any voice ever spoken, began to play romantic songs from the '90s, to which Maria and Tom slow-danced to.

Author: (dabs eyes with napkin) Aww . . . this is really corny, but still . . . I can't look away . . .

— — — _Our five protagonists — — —_

Henry woke up with incredible weight on him — looking up, he found that the group was piled up on each other, Henry on bottom. Screaming, he jumped up and shivered.

'Why do I wake up in an awkward position every time!?' he scowled. 'James actually is gay, so why not him!?'

'I am not gay!' James and Frog cried at the same time.

'Heh . . . I never said that you were gay, Frog . . .'

Frog paused, mortified. 'I . . . 'twas a hearing error!'

'Sure,' Robo said sarcastically as he stood. 'Where are we?'

'It looks like my apartment . . .' Henry said. 'What the hell is this?'

The five entered Room 303, and found a red note and diary on the table: _I LIKE PORN! Oh, he took it. He took it HARD! OH YEAH! I love you Rachel! COCAINE IS AWESOME! WOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOO!_

'. . . this guy sounds like a blast . . .' James muttered.

Going into the back, they entered a room littered with porn magazines, a journal, and two red posters. Henry, for no reason, looked behind the red poster of the Super and found a key.

'Hey James, here's a picture of your—' Henry began as he turned, but found something he never, ever, _EVER_ wanted to see. James had a porn magazine in hand, and had whipped — it . . . — out, and was currently . . . you know . . . doing that . . . as he stood there.

'_FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!_' Henry screamed, shielding his eyes. James's eyes rolled back into his head. 'Oh no . . .'

'What!?' Frog screamed as he fell to the floor.

'_SENSORY OVERLOAD!_' Robo screamed as he rotated in a circle, beeping nonstop.

'He's gonna blow!' Henry screamed darting for the hallway. Frog leapt out, then Crono, and finally Robo. Just then, a huge stream (and I mean HUGE) of white goo splashed all over the walls, as James screamed in ecstasy.

Author: _CUT! CUT! FUCK, WE ARE __**SO**__ SUED!_

— — — _Ten minutes later — — — _

'. . .'

'. . .'

'. . .'

'Come on guys!' James whimpered. 'I couldn't help! Five days in that room!'

'More than five days, James,' Henry muttered.

'Any one of you would have!'

'We can't!' Robo beeped. 'And we did not! Frog has no genitalia, I have but an oil hose, and Crono . . . is just limp.'

'Gee,' Henry exclaimed, 'limp!? That sucks!'

'I have genitals!' Frog screamed, as he pulled down his pants.

'Err . . .' everyone said as they stared, 'but not the right ones.'

'Huh?' Frog said as he looked down. 'I misplaced them!' He reached in his pocket, got two balls and a stick out, then some tape . . .

'You should cut again,' Henry said to the author.

Author: Good idea . . .

— — — _Maria and Tom — — —_

'_Pick a song and sing a yellow nectarine — take a bath, I'll drink the water that you leave — if you should die before me, ask if you can bring a friend — pick a flower, hold your breath, and drift away . . ._'

'You know,' Pyramid Head said as he held Maria close and they did that _stupid_ dance where all you do is go back and forth while holding hands, 'this song probably has some extremely vulgar meaning that we can't interpret, but we just assumed it was romantic.'

'Ignorance is bliss,' Maria said as they kept doing that dumb dance.

'The rape part of this is going to be difficult . . .'

'Why?'

'Because you're a stripper and a prostitute (by profession), and I'm, like, an Incubus that rapes demons.'

Audience member: Why is this chapter so dirty! I am offended!

Author: (shoots audience member in the head) Shut the fuck up!

Audience: Boo!

Author: I got plenty of ammo!

Audience: We mean, yay! Woot!

Author: I wish Richard was here . . .

'Err . . .' Tom said, 'anyway, who rapes who?'

'Hmm . . . why don't we both rape each other?'

'. . . at once? That . . . isn't possible . . .'

'Nothing is impossible, my dear.'

'Oooh, I love you.'

'Okay, I'm wet—'

— — — _Is there anyone here who isn't doing someone sexual!? — — —_

Author: I don't think so.

— — — _Walter?_ — — —

Author: He's masturbating with the Shabby Doll . . .

— — — _It is something about the apartment building? — — —_

Author: I like it better than Woodside . . .

— — — _In a way, that was sexual — — —_

Author: I know, announcer: I know.

— — — _Well, when are Henry and co. gonna move on? — — —_

Author: I don't know.

— — — _Let's take a shot: Henry and co—wait, SHABBY DOLL!? — — —_

Henry and co. were descending the stairs when they came upon Walter Sullivan, shaking something violently and moaning.

'Dear God, here too!?'

'I got this from Ms. Calvin,' Walter cried as he jumped, wiping his semen off the doll. 'She was younger than me back then — but I'd still tap that — she looked so happy, holding her mother's hand. Here . . . I'll give it to you.'

'Dude, you masturbated on it! I'm not fucking taking that!' Henry kicked the doll across the room and stormed away. Walter began to cry.

'My plan failed . . . damn sexual urges!'

On the bottom floor, they went to the Super's room (warily, because of James's problem.

— _Flashback —_

_James and Frank are by the front door of their apartment, Frank with long black hair, James with Jheri-curls._

'_James, this is nonsense!' Frank yelled._

'_No dad, it's not nonsense! Your umbilical cord collection is "nonsense"! I love Mary, and we're going to make PERFECT couple, NEVER argue, or_ _EVER try to kill each other for stealing the other's stash, leading them to a twisted world within their own psyche complete with a Pyramid Head-monster and a stripper that looks identical to the other one's (pant) partner, and you're going to deal with it!'_

_James slammed the door._

'_If you're slamming the door, get OUT!'_

'_FINE!' James said, leaving as he slammed the door this time._

'_Insult my Umbilical Cord collection! You're no son of mine!' Frank returned to the U.C. 'Noone will ever take you away from me . . . my . . . Preci—'_

'_I FORGOT MY BAG!' James screamed as he reentered the house._

— _End Flashback —_

'So where's the Umbilical Cord?' Henry asked James as they entered.

'Um, I don't know. Dad beat me if I came near it, meaning if I entered the apartment, he'd beat me.'

'Where'd you sleep?' Robo asked.

'Usually he'd knock me out with the plank, and I'd wake up outside.'

'Better than mine father . . .' Frog said.

'. . .'

'No clip? Oops, thought we had a clip.'

— — — _Maria and Tom — — — _

Tom's watch went off after 'Drown' by The Smashing Pumpkins (not a love song) was over — he grinned and clapped his hands. 'Thank you, Jim and his band. Now, Maria, it's time for the real "gift" . . .'

'Ooh, you're so dirty,' she crooned.

'Into the back bedroom . . .'

They went to a room with a big, white bed, adorned with chains and a riding crop next to it. Tom got in the chains, and Maria paced around him, smacking the crop against the sheet.

'You've been very, very bad Tom,' she said seductively.

'Have I?' Tom asked.

'Silence!' Maria roared, and whacked Tom with the whip. Tom lurched upward, silent, before he screamed in bloodcurdling agony.

'_YOU WHIPPED MY PECKER, YOU WHIPPED MY PECKER_!' he screamed, twisting around in desperation.

'Oh God, I did!?' Maria said, dropping the crop and holding Tom's 'thing' and soothing it. 'I'm so sorry!'

'Dear Samael, watch where you swing that thing!' He stopped twisting and going 'bouncey', then lurched at Maria.

'I want you!' he growled, nearly breaking the chains.

'Oh, _yes!_' Maria screamed, leaping into his arms – they proceeded to get it on.

Author: (mumbling) Masochist freaks . . .

'You want in too, Author?' Maria offered, running her finger down Tom's chest as she looked up at the camera.

Author: Yeah, I'll join demonic intercourse only when I have no other option.

'Well, everyone else is being weird right now,' Tom said.

Author: Uh . . . heh . . . well . . . why not? Wait, ugh, _NO!_ I have to write the story!

'Our offer will stand. We'll be here for the rest of the chapter, if you need us,' Maria chirped as she went back to kissing Tom passionately.

Author: Say, Pyramid . . . how long do you 'last'?

'Dude,' Tom said, 'I'm a _PYRAMID HEAD_. I can last forever.'

— — — _Room 207_ — — —

'Here James, you can have this,' Henry said as he handed James his old pistol, while grabbing Richard's revolver (with a magic chamber that automatically reloads). Cocking the hammer, he looked to the four companions.

'Well, what now?' he asked.

'Let's go back to our apartment,' James said. 'This note said that Eileen Calvin's key is by your bed—'

'Eileen Calvin!?' he screamed. 'Let's go!' They raced down to a H013, grabbed the key, and back up to the hallway . . .

— — — _Maria and Tom_ — — —

The two stopped kissing.

'Did you hook Angela up?' Maria asked. Tom froze, stammering.

'I – well – there was — no, I didn't.'

'. . . oh well, if she kills James, win-win.' Back to their love-making.

— — — _Henry and co. — — —_

. . . and came upon Angela Orosco's corpse, floating through the air like a ghost.

'Man, that is one ugly guy,' Henry blurted. 'Let's pin this one.' He aimed the revolver.

'James! Mama! Sleep with me!' Angela screamed as she flew straight at James.

'_**NO!**_' James screamed. 'Get it away! **AHHHHHH**!'

Crack!

Frog swung the baseball bat right into Angela's thigh, sending her into the gooey wall, and she sat up, then continued for James. Crono used 'Confuse' on her (play Chrono Trigger, because it's not as the name implies), forcing her backwards, and Robo told everyone to stand back. His chest opened up to reveal the Sister Ray from FFVII, and two rail guns underneath it.

'_**HOLY**_—' everyone began as the Sister Ray blasted Angela then riddled her with gigantic-diameter bullets. Angela screamed, and flew back into the wall.

'_**PWNED!**_' everyone but Frog screamed at once. Frog just shook his head, since he was not from anywhere near their time.

Angela got back up then floated slowly towards James. 'My turn!' Henry yelled as he blasted her in the head with Richard's revolver, three times in the head, six times in the chest, and eighty times in an area I'd rather not mention. She simply laughed.

'I'm genetically enhanced by Maria and Pyramid Head!' she wailed. As she cackled maniacally, everyone circled her, pulling out their melee weapons. With a nod, they all hit her at once, bringing her down, and Henry pulled out a Sword of Obedience.

'Let this be a lesson to you: melee weapons often prove more effective than gigantic energy weapons and magnum revolvers.' He stuck her with the sword, and she began to moan in pain.

'If there was anyone I hated more than Mary,' James said, 'it was her.' He pulled out his gun and capped her relentlessly in the head. Then the party continued, running to Eileen Calvin's room and unlocking it. Upon opening, Henry whispered:

'Whew, that's a load off.'

For Eileen was laying on the floor, bloody, dressed skimpily, with the little boy looking down at her. He reared up and kicked her in the head.

'That's for ruining the Banana Dance!' he said. He then morphed into the Banana, and, as 'Peanut Butter Jelly Time' belted out, he Banana Danced out of a window. Henry bit his lip, confused, and noted that _20121_ was written on Eileen's back.

'I was going to do her,' he sighed. 'But that blood is a major turn off.'

Everything went black.

— — — _Woom Fwee-Oh-Too — — —_

Henry woke up and went out to the living room, getting the bottle of white whine out of the fridge. Chugging it, he broke it and threw it down. Walking into the bathroon, he screamed '_LET'S GO!_'

He dove headfirst into the H013 — and hit stone. Falling back and holding his bleeding head he went back into the living room.

'H013 is sealed,' he said.

'What's this?' Frog asked as he held up the Succubus Talisman.

'Is that the only card I need for my Pokemon collection!?' James screamed.

'No, 'tis a demonic card!'

'I'll take that,' Henry said, and he went into the laundry room. The whole place was stained with blood, and there was a big stain on the wall. Holding up the talisman, Henry said '_Klaatu, Verata, Nictu!_' The whole stain turned into writing and four slits for the placards. The writing red:

_Good thing I found this red marker, since my pen ran out this morning . . . I asked Walter to pick me up a few, and he should be on his way right now. Anyway, in his world, he rules as Queen, King, Magistrate, and Jester, with the stripper and Pyramid monster as his lackeys. He promised to buy them a new house, due to their having been married, but in truth, he plans to use them and then kill them after he controls the (our) world. And at the bottom of the kingdom is a weird monster — err, I mean his mother. (If that's his mother, she's one UGLY bitch!)._

Henry grabbed all the placards and shoved them into the slits — a weird sound echoed, and then a H013 appeared.

'We're back in business!' Henry cried as James, Frog, Robo, and Crono all came and stood behind him.

'Where dost thou think it leads?' Frog asked.

'I don't know,' Robo beeped. 'Far deeper than your gayness, Frog.'

'Well, there's something in there,' Crono said.

'And if we're gonna figure this out, we've gotta go through,' James said.

'Well then,' Henry stated, 'let's get this over with.' He cocked the revolver and crawled through, followed by James, then Frog, Robo, and Crono.

— — — _Maria and Pyramid Head — — — _

'I love you baby,' Maria said to Tom.

'I love you too,' Tom said. Suddenly his cell phone rang – he picked it up.

'Hey, guys, where are you?' It was Walter.

'We're doing it,' Tom said bluntly.

'Cool, hey, I'm kinda gonna need you to come in here.'

'Can't, bro. Uh, I have a cold. Yeah (cough cough), really bad.'

'Then Maria?'

'Herpes outbreak,' Maria lied.

'Dangit! Well, hope you get better.'

'You too,' Tom said, and hung up. He turned to Mara. 'I love you!' he yelled as he leapt upon her.

'Never knew a herpes outbreak was sexy,' she muttered.

— _To Be Continued_

— — —

_Where does the H013 lead? Is Eileen alive? Is a herpes outbreak really sexy? Tune in next time for: Super Awesome Dream Hospital Revisited!_


	7. Chapter 7: SADHAGGV2

Chapter 7: Super Awesome Dream Hospital A Go-Go Version 2

Henry woke up on an operating table, his anus hurting and his legs weak. Pulling out a Powerade, he drank it and instantly became refreshed — he then stood up.

He saw Walter Sullivan bent over a female corpse, his hands deep inside her body and moving something around. As the maniac turned, Henry threw his hands up in the air, waving them around and screaming like a girl as he ran out the door. Sullivan frowned, and turned back to the corpse.

'You done yet?' the corpse croaked.

'Yes,' Walter sais with a sigh. The corpse sat up to reveal Joan Rivers.

'Jeesh, plastic surgery is way too expensive. Thanks, Wally.'

'Err, yeah. No problem. You may experience some chest pain for a few days, but that'll be natural. After all, I just replaced your heart with that of Claudia Wolfe.'

'Why Claudia Wolfe?'

'Because noone cares about her life,' Walter answered, as if it was obvious.

Meanwhile, out in the hallway, Henry had regrouped with Robo. 'Where's James, Frog, and Crono?' Henry asked.

'I don't know,' Robo beeped.

'Well, we can't do anything until we find them.'

'I agree — let us try . . . this room!' Upon opening it, they found a very tall woman-monster coming for them, with a hatchet raised to smite them. Suddenly Frog dropped down from the ceiling with the baseball bat swinging, crushing the monster's skull and splattering blood everywhere.

'Cool,' Henry whispered. 'Hey Frog! You find James? Or Crono?'

'Nay,' Frog said, shaking his head. 'Mine club hath claimed the life of five beasts, yet yielding none of our compainions.'

'Okay . . .' Henry said. 'I'm going to pretend I understood that. Let's go!'

The three left and entered another room, with a paper-cutting knife on the table. Henry shoved it in his pocket just because he could, and the group continued into another door. There was a big H013 on the wall, which they ignored and went into another room. There was a big X-ray of Eileen's injuries, which Henry pocketed for 'reading material'.

Leaving, they entered another room, a storage room, where they found two demons. Henry aimed for the left one, blasting its head off; Frog and Robo used their Double Tech 'Bubble Snap' to crush it to death. The room yielded a vial of painkiller.

'_WHOA_!' Henry cried. 'Painkillers! Sweet!' He took a small drip on his tongue, and instantly could feel nothing. Giving one to each of his companions, they continued up a stairway. At the top, they found an elevator to their left. Pushing the call button, they went through and found a patient demon. It lifted the weird hammer weapon it was using and cracked Henry on the head.

Henry burst out laughing. 'I didn't even feel that!'

The patient demon began to cry. Frog and Robo refrained from killing it.

'Sorry,' it said, 'I'm PMS-ing really bad these days.'

'Gee, that sucks,' Henry said as he blasted it in the head. Leaving the elevator, they began to search all the rooms down a long hallway.

— — — _In a dark room — — —_

'James?' came Crono's voice through the darkness.

'Howdy,' came James's reply from a small distance away.

'You know where we are?'

'I have no clue.'

'You,' came Maria's voice, 'are in the Super Awesome Dream Hospital Version Two!' A dim light came on, and Maria stood, gloating over each of them. She turned to someone unseen. 'This is a really good idea, honey.'

'I thought of it all by myself,' Tom the Pyramid Head said proudly.

'James Sunderland, and Crono Trigger, I sentence you to death! Muahahahahaha!'

The two were restrained by belts, on beds, and had a little flexibility — enough to raise their heads. They lifted them and looked in the direction that their lower-bodies were facing. It was a gigantic version of Eileen's head, only with some injuries on it.

'What are you going to do?' James asked, cringing if he could move.

'You shall become Eileen-Head's next meal! MUAHAHAHA!'

'My last name's not Trigger, bee-otch,' Crono said.

'I will make it slow, slow enough so that your friends can come and save the day, because any good villain knows that they must do something to compromise their plan!' The two's beds started moving towards Eileen-Head's mouth.

'She's not big enough to eat us! HA!' James said.

'I never said whole!'

'No!'

'James, think of somethin'!' Crono said as the two struggled. Eileen-Head smiled and opened her mouth, preparing for James first. They were about three feet away, and could feel the hot breath from the gigantic bimbo.

'This is worse than that time we fought the Mother Brain!'

Author: No time for flashbacks, do something!

'_**I WISH BRAINFART WERE HERE**_!' James screamed. '_**BRAINFART? Brain**__**fart**___' James flexed his legs, bending the belts upward enough for him to lift his torso up, bringing his ass to face Eileen-Head.

'_DIE!_' he screamed as he let a huge fart rip. Eileen-Head caught a whiff, then full-on inhaled it, and she flew into a coughing fit.

— — — _Out in the hallway_ — — —

'We're almost halfway down the hallway, Henry, and still no—' Robo began, but was silenced by human screams — the door they were approaching flew open as James's and Crono's beds hit it, sending the two sprawling out into the hallway. Maria and Pyramid Head gasped and, in a puff of smoke, were gone.

'_HOLY CRAP!_' Crono screamed. '_JAMES SAVED THE DAY!_' The two were untied, and James stomped back into the room, pointing his gun at Eileen-Head.

'_DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!_' he screamed as he unleashed lead fury upon the oversized-idiot, riddling its face with bullet holes, splattering its eyes and piercing its brain, causing it to die.

The party proceeded, finding Eileen's key and the door she was in, unlocking it and walking in. She was on the bed, with a broken arm and leg, dressed in that skimpy dress. Henry ran forward, poking her.

'Wake up Eileen,' he said gently. She just rolled a little and muttered something. He punched her in the arm. 'Wake up!' She didn't do anything. Grabbing Crono's pipe, he bashed her arm with it. Nothing.

'Grrrr!' he screamed as he held the revolver beside her ear, then pulled the trigger. The bang didn't even faze her.

'Screw this!' Crono said as he turned to leave. His tunic brushed against Eileen's leg, and she jolted awake, screaming. Henry grabbed her and body slammed her against the bed.

'_SHUT UP_!' he screamed. She settled down and looked up at him with a huge smile, like a two year old, and she hopped up.

'Henry!' she said, bouncing up and down on the mattress! 'And James! Ooh, I had a weird dream that I was about to eat you!'

Crono rushed at her with the pipe raised, screaming at her, but Frog grabbed him.

'Oooh, and you too! Hee hee!'

Henry and James pulled her up and they all began to leave. Eileen was pouting over her leg being 'all hurty'.

'What is going on?' she said. 'I was getting ready to go to a party, and suddenly a Mr. Walter Sullivan tries to kill me. Jerk!' She blew a raspbery. 'Anywho, what are you guys doing here?'

Henry and James looked at each other. 'Uh . . .' Henry said, '. . . what _are_ we doing here?'

'Didn't we get a golden ticket from a bar of chocolate?'

'No.'

'Did we get here through a magical wardrobe?'

'Nope.'

'Did the Necronomicon send us here after we had Annie Knowby recite ancient passages to banish the Evil?'

'. . . no.'

'Then I don't know,' James said with a shrug.

'There's a H013 in our apartment, leading here. That's all we know.'

'Ooh, look!' Eileen said. 'Big, ugly Amazons!'

'I shop there all the time!' James said. 'That's where I got this jacket—'

Two patient-demons were walking down the hallway towards the six travellers, who subsequently all got behind Frog and Henry.

'That be truly courageous,' Frog fumed as he charged the demons with the bat, knocking the first down and crushing the skull of the other. He then leapt back, and cast 'Water' on the first one. It drowned in the bubble, and died.

'Has anyone noticed that Frog is the only person here who really can _fight_?' Robo said. 'I mean, Henry either shoots them or hacks them to pieces, James doesn't do _anything_, I just play background music, Crono shrugs, and Eileen just stood there groping Henry.'

'And you call him gay,' James added.

'I think he's cute!' Eileen said. 'Let's keep him!'

'Eileen, Frog is a person, not an animal.'

'Than will you be my pet, James?'

'Uh, no. I'm Henry's pet.

'What?' Henry asked.

'Nothing, why must you assume I say things?' James said, confused.

'. . . either I'm losing my mind . . . or James is gay.'

'Both are equally probable,' Robo said.

Frog came back to them, holding the bat in both hands and breathing heavily. 'Enemies approacheth!' he cried.

'Who!?' James cried, grabbing the spade.

'A portly fellow, a lass, and a demon with a Pyramid Helmet on.'

'I'll handle these guys.'

'Me too,' Henry said.

'And me,' Frog added.

'Okay,' Crono and Robo said, and began to dance with Eileen to 'American Girl' by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers.

From the stairway came Eddie Dombrowski, only now, he was _ENORMOUS_ (like an Insane Cancer), toting around a revolver, and had a bikini on. Maria and Tom were walking ahead of him, Maria holding a whip and Tom with the spear.

Everyone who looked upon Eddie felt their stomachs churn — Henry raised the revolver and put his sights on Eddie's head. James gripped the spade and stood before Maria, ready to strike. Frog held the baseball bat like a sword, and faced Tom.

Just as the epic battle was about to begin, there was a flash of smoke, and the gang was gone. Maria gasped, Tom cried out, and Eddie burped. Maria whipped him in the balls, and he fell over, crying 'Pizza! Pizza! Me want pizza!'

'I don't think you can blame James for killing that guy,' Tom said.

'I don't,' Maria said. 'Let's just leave him here, he's useless anyway.'

'No leave Eddie!' Eddie cried, but noone was listening. 'Eddie . . _EDDIE WANT PIZZA!_'

— — — _First floor_ — — —

'Nice one, Robo,' Henry laughed as they sat in the room with the H013. 'How'd you do it?'

'Smoke grenade,' Robo beeped. 'I figured you guys were gonna get walloped.'

'Let's go home, I'm tired, and I have to pee.'

— — — _Room 302_ — — —

Henry woke up on top of the whole gang (but James and Robo), and found Eileen wasn't there. Takin' care of business, he checked under the door for some 'mail' from Joseph. There was a letter:

_I found this key in the toilet, I think it goes to the elevator-gate-thing on the first floor of the Super Awesome Dream Hospital Version 2. Open the door, and go through. Then go down. To the Deepest Part of Him. And look for the Ultimate Truth._

_I shouldn't have eaten those mushrooms in the forest. —Joseph Schreiber._

— — — _Through the H013_ — — —

'Henry!' Eileen giggled, and she hugged him while groping his groin.

'Hey, Eileen,' Henry beamed, basking in the groin-groping. 'Anyway, I got a key — let's get out of here.' The six took off down a long stairway (after unlocking it, of course) and, after killing several patient-demons, they found themselves stairing down a long staircase.

'I hate staircases,' Eileen said.

'Me too,' Henry said.'

'And I,' James.

'Aye,' Frog said.

'Beep,' Robo . . . beeped.

'Mmm-hmm,' Crono said.

'Why are we wasting time?' Henry asked.

'Because EternalFlare is trying to reach 2000 words.'

'Oh, then I understand. Let's get started, _shaaaaaall_ we?'

—_To Be Continued_

— — —

_Where does the staircase lead? Will Maria and Tom catch up to the party? Are you mad that I screwed you out of a boss fight? If you are, I don't care, because I rule this story, and it is mine to do with as I please! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (cough), heh. Anyway, stay tuned for: The S—a– World!_

_P.S: Moo._


	8. Chapter 8: Insanity

Chapter 8: Insanity

The six travellers reached the bottom and opened it haphazardly — it led to the subway. After running around blindly for a long time, they all found a Holy Candle and went to the place where Henry was first introduced to the world.

The sound of Gum Heads could be heard.

'Monkeys . . .' James muttered, looking to Henry for comfort. Henry pulled out the revolver, cocking its hammer.

'Let's rock!' he yelled as he darted out into the path where he first met Cynthia, blasting all the Gum Heads he found. When they were all dead, Henry blew the barrel (:D) og his revolver and spun it around his finger.

'You use that a lot better than Richard, Henry!' Eileen giggled. Henry cast his head back and laughed.

'Take _THAT_ Brainfart!'

— — — _Somewhere Dark — — —_

'Ooh Townshend, your days are numbered . . .'

— — — _Back to the six travellers_ — — —

After running randomly around a little more, they came to the turnstiles where Cynthia was killed (almost).

'Phew, I'm glad that speech-impaired ho is gone!' Henry sighed. As if on cue, Cynthia slithered from out of the turnstiles, with long black hair and chalk white skin. She looked up at Henry, and he was unable to see her face.

'Now I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago,' Henry scowled as he aimed the revolver and leapt to the side, blasting. James pulled out his gun too, and began blasting the ghost too. Crono cast 'Lightning', Robo used 'Shock', and Frog threw his bat. Every hit stunned Cynthia, but nothing truly fazed her. She got close to Henry, and wrapped her hair around him, pulling him closer.

'I wuv wou!' she moaned, still pulling him closer.

'_Ahh!_' he screamed, pulling out the axe and swiping the hair. The long hair fell to the ground, and Cynthia shrieked.

'Uneven hair! Cannot be! _**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**_' she wailed as she fell to the ground and Henry stuck her with a Sword of Obedience. He then kicked her and scalped her.

'Uneven is better than none, ho!' he screamed. The party moved on.

— — — _In the office where Cynthia was actually killed — — — _

'Walter,' Maria said, 'this is actually a good plan.'

'Yeah,' Tom said quietly.

'Oh come on baby, we can finally kill James, then Walter gets Eileen and Henry!'

'It's just . . . I don't know about you . . . well . . .'

'Relax, honey, it'll all work out.'

'Jim thought of it,' Walter said.

'Oh no . . . oh no way. If Jim made it, then no. Remember what happened with his _last_ plan!?'

'All that happened was we made no progress but James and Henry knew that we were here,' Maria said.

'. . . my point exactly . . .'

'Honey, this is going to all work out!'

'Baby . . .'

Maria kissed him and looked deep into his non-existent eyes. 'Trust me on this one . . .'

'I trusted you on the last one, and you got thrashed.'

'I'm going through with it.' Maria held out her arm to Walter. '_Hit me!_' Walter jabbed her arm with a syringe, injecting a purple liquid into her arm.

'I have a bad feeling,' Pyramid Head said. 'It bodes not well.'

Author: . . . that's from Castlevania: Curse of Darkness.

'Shut up,' Tom said, walking away.

— — — _The Escalator — — —_

'. . .' Henry looked up fearfully.

'. . .' James looked at Henry.

'What?' Robo beeped.

'There be danger?' Frog asked.

'No,' Henry scoffed, 'we're just afraid to go up there because it's an exit adorned with flowers — _OF COURSE THERE'S DANGER!_'

'Let us be rid of it!' Frog said as he hopped upon the Escalator. The party waited at the bottom until Frog came flying back down, groaning.

'Let me guess: women?' Robo asked.

'If mine arm was not broken, I would destroy thee.'

The party (after Robo put Frog in his infirmary ward . . . he's a big robot, huh?) continued up the escalator, shooting the Wall Men (and women, we don't discriminate here), and they came upon (eww) the place where Cynthia died. Taking the train handle, they made for the train at the platform.

Suddenly thirty Gum Heads dropped down and surrounded them, hooting and hollering like maniacs. Fortunately, the party managed to get out of the situation relatively quickly.

— — — _From the shadows — — — _

'How are you feeling, dear?' Tom asked Maria.

'I feel good . . . so good . . . so powerful . . . _GET ME A BEER! _Oh, oops, honey, sorry, that's the injection—_NOW GET ME A BEER!_'

Tom pulled a Budweiser and handed it to Maria, who guzzled it down and roared. She then giggled and sat down.

'That was good, thank you.'

'Heh,' Tom said, frozen in fear. 'Y-your—'

'_GET ME ANOTHER!_'

— — — _The room with all the red fleshy-walls — — —_

'_Well woman, the way the time cold I wanna keepin' you warm — I got the right temperature for shelter you from the storm — Oh Lord, gal I got the right tactics to turn you on — And girl I, wanna be the papa, you can be the mom, oh-oh!_'

These lyrics Walter Sullivan sang as he danced down the grating floor, consisting of (but not limited to): _The Busdriver, the Monkey, the Worm, and_ _the Moonwalk. _He proceeded to 'Ride the Pony' to the intersection, before stopping and moonwalking all the way back to the start. As he proceeded to breakdance in a series of extravagant flips and twirls.

_Ring!_

'Aww come on!' Walter pouted as he pulled out his cell phone. 'Who is it!?'

'It's Tom,' Maria's voice came through the from the other end.

'Hey Tom,' Walter said. 'What's wrong?'

'It's time — we've got the ambush set up.'

'Already?' Walter cried. 'We're only four pages into the chapter!'

'Well, EternalFlare hates the subway revisited, so he decided to make it as short and painless as possible.'

Author: Essentially.

'But I was just starting to rock it,' Walter cried.

'Come on, you can rock it in the Forest once they are all dead!'

'Fine.' Walter bolted for the subway platform.

— — — _The Train_ — — —

Henry put the Train Handle in the slot, and moved it forward. The train sputtered as if trying, but nothing happened.

'James!' he called out to those sitting in the previous car, 'Crono, Robo, Frog! Go push it!'

The four trudged out, and heaved the train forward, leading to the exit. Henry swooped down and grabbed a Sword of Obedience, handing it to James.

The group walked down a long hallway, coming to about the centre when they heard the door behind them slam shut. Behind them were Maria, Tom, and Walter Sullivan.

'This is as far as you go!' Sullivan laughed as the trio ran forward, much faster than the party could go. Still, they ran for the door at the end of the hallway — yet their enemies were but a meagre six metres from them. James, suddenly, stopped and turned to face them, spade in hand.

'You shall not pass!' he cried. Maria, at that moment, morphed into a huge, still stripper-like beast with fur and huge muscles. She pulled out her dominatrix whip, and cracked it.

'James, what are you doing!?' Henry called. James made no reply. Maria took a long stride forward, and swung her whip at James, who blocked with the spade.

'You _shall not pass!_' James yelled, and brought the spade upon the ground, splitting it asunder. Maria stepped back, unsure what to do. The party (good) watched in awe as the blonde squared off against the blonde.

Maria took a step forward . . .

. . . and the ground collapsed, sending her plummeting into the Abyss. Tom screamed 'No!' and lunged forward, but was restrained by Walter.

Henry almost smiled — until Maria's whip sailed upward, hit James in the balls, and forced him over the edge. The brunette ran for James, who was still clinging onto the very brink of the ledge. James futilely pulled himself up before sliding back down. As he fell, he cried:

'Run, you retards!'

Everything went slow-motion from there: Henry stared in horror as his best friend and comrade plummetted to his death in the chasms beneath Walter's world — Frog restrained Henry from proceeding — Robo beeped and fell to his . . . knees? — Crono gasped, and pulled Henry back — and Eileen giggled, saying 'He said retard!'

Likewise, Tom lunged uncontrollably for his lost love's new resting place, and Walter pulled him back, crying 'Not worth it man, not worth it!'

Reluctantly, the good party made for the exit, leaving James behind to his own chosen fate. When they entered the stairway, Henry fell to his knees and bawled uncontrollably, screaming 'It's not fair, it's not fair!' Frog and Crono were silent, while Robo beeped and played 'Locomotive Breath' by Jethro Tull.

'It's what James would have wanted,' Robo explained. No one refuted it. Eileen giggled and danced along to it, albeit in a retarded way. Finally, they decided that James also would have wanted to proceed – but not before Henry pulled out a blunt and lit it.

'In memory of James,' he said as he took a puff. '(_Damn, that's some good shit_) . . .'

—_To Be Continued_

— — —

_How will Tom and Walter reach the good-guys? Are James and Maria truly gone forever? Is that really some good shit? Tune in next time for: The Forest!!_

_ In memory of James Sunderland, and Maria Pyramid Head, August 27th, 2007._

_P.S: I only included 'Temperature' by Sean Paul because I had nothing else for Walter to dance to -- I'm not a fan of hip-hop._


	9. Chapter 9: Paraplegic Barbie

Chapter 9: Paraplegic Barbie

The loss of James was heavy in our protagonists' hearts, but they trudged on, coming to a familiar graveyard — the one where James and Henry had encountered Little Walter. Henry was bitter, but the rest of the party was just sad at their loss.

There was a candle stick burning to their left; Henry walked over to it and grabbed a torch from beside it. Written upon it was _Holy Flame_. Sticking it in the fire, the torch combusted, resulting in brilliant light. Just then, the door opened, revealing Walter Sullivan with a pipe and pistol.

'Henry! Eileen!' he called. 'I shall kill you for what you've done to Tom!'

— — — _Somewhere dark — — —_

Tom the Pyramid Head sat alone on a bed, with several red candles lit around him, holding a red rose. Systematically he began to strip the rose, until all that was left was the stem. Then he sighed, and cast it away. After a few moments of sitting, he lifted up his robes and picked his herpes sores.

'It's not the same without her!' he cried as he fell back into relapse.

— — — _Back to the gang_ — — —

He aimed the pistol and fired after the brunette (male), and said person bolted for the door, throwing it open so the party could get in — he then shut it.

'What will we do?' Robo asked. Henry pointed to Crono and Robo, telling them to get on the left side of the door. He and Frog stood on the right, and when Walter came through, everyone hit him, Crono with his pipe, Henry with his axe, Frog with his bat, and Robo with his fist.

'Ouch!' Walter screamed, 'damn! Should have seen that coming!' He fell, and Henry examined a nearby well, finding a head. Stuffing the head in his pocket, the group continued to the Wish House. They found it burned down, which didn't surprise them too much. On the remains, they found a memo from Jasper.

_I'm on fire! Those bastards! Aaagh! It has begun! What the hell am I writing!? Why'd I write 'Aaaagh'!? Oh well! Time to shoot up heroine!!!!!!!_

There was a wheelchair, with a mannequin upon it — there were no appendages, but Henry had enough wit to see that it was a puzzle — he put the head in its respective position, and waited. Nothing.

'Crap,' he sighed, turning to the others. 'Okay, here's the deal: we're all going to split up into groups of two, and look for the doll parts.'

'But,' Frog interrupted, 'there art five of us now — thou cannot divide five by two.'

'Than I'll go alone. Frog, you go with Robo; Crono, you go with Eilee— no, wait, she tried to eat you . . . Crono and Frog, you go together, Robo and Eileen, you too. Meet back in here after we've got at least one appendage.

— — — _Robo and Eileen — — —_

Robo and Eileen went towards where Henry first appeared in the forest. Eileen was skipping merrily as Robo trudged on behind her — finally they came to a well, which Robo lit up with his searchlights. Inside they found an limb, which they stored in Robo. The two then proceeded through a factory.

One of the ghosts jumped out, armed with a trowel, and made fast for Eileen — Robo aimed his fist at the ghost and his hand popped open to reveal a chain-gun.

'Uh oh,' the ghost said as it turned and floated away . . . it wasn't fast enough to escape a flurry of bullets, however. Proud, Robo and Eileen proceeded until they came to where Henry and James actually did start. There was a monkey, which Robo subsequently destroyed with a flamethrower.

'You have a lot of weapons, Mr. Roboto!' Eileen giggled.

'It is not a fact which I am proud of,' Robo stated as they took a doll part.

'But if you have a lot of weapons, then why don't you use them for the good of mankind?'

'Because I . . . wait . . . that's very insightful, Eileen . . .'

'Will you be my boyfriend?' Eileen asked as she touched Robo's head, smiling broadly.

'Madam, I am a machine, and you are a human being. Two completely incompatible life forms—'

'How _long_ are you?'

'What a completely rude and inappropriate quest—'

'Will you love me and call me "sugarbuns"?'

'No, I shall not.'

'Phooey,' Eileen pouted as they left. 'I'm breaking up with you.'

'But we never—' Robo began.

'_NO EXCUSES!_' Eileen shrieked.

— — — _Frog and Crono — — —_

'One of these days, Crono mine pal, I shall slice Robo into many fine pieces,' Frog spoke as they journeyed for the parts.

'Greetings,' came Walter Sullivan's voice. Frog turned quickly to face him.

'Crono,' he spoke, 'there must be a well nearby! Find it, and get back here as quick as thy legs might carry thee!' Frog brandished the bat, and engaged Walter in combat. Crono darted for the end of the path, found the well, and got back to Frog in a total of five seconds.

'That was—' Frog said as he dodged a blow from Sullivan. Crono darted behind the 'blonde', and bashed him relentlessly in the back of the head. As Walter fell, he screamed 'I'll get you, Crono Trigger and Frog . . . err . . .' He passed out.

'For the last time,' Crono said, very annoyed, 'my name is not Trigger!'

'Well that be what it says upon the box,' Frog said.

'What box?'

'Thou shall discover in good time.' Frog walked away.

— — — _Henry_ — — —

Henry aimed Richard's revolver at a double-headed monster. 'Receiver,' it whispered, pointing at him.

'What's that?' Henry mocked. 'I can't hear you!'

'Receiver,' it whispered a little louder.

'Huh?

'_RECEIVER, DAMNIT_!' Henry jumped back at this violent display of anger, and responded with revolver rounds to their face(s).

'I'm the Giver,' he said, 'and you're the Receiver, bitch!'

Grabbing a piece of the doll, he continued through the mine and to Peluca Lake. Once there, he heard a weird choking sound, and saw a flaming ghost floating up to him.

'I'm gonna k-k-k-k-k-kill you H-H-H-Henry T-T-T-T-Townshend!' Jasper said as he approached with a chalice.

'Dude,' Henry said, 'why do you have to bother me? Leave me alone.'

'You seem s-s-s-s-sad and angr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-ry.'

'James died,' Henry said as he threw a pebble into Peluca Lake.

'Yeah, boo-hoo,' Jasper said. 'Look who died and got set on _fire_.'

'Why don't you just float out to that lake and extinguish the fire?'

'. . . g-g-g-good idea . . .'

'Anyway, there's nothing — _AAAHHH!_' Henry screamed as he spotted Little Walter. 'What are you doing here!?'

'EternalFlare couldn't get the Little Walter that appears in every other Silent Hill 4 Parody, so he hired me,' Little Walter said. 'I also play Anakin Skywalker in a Star Wars Parody that's coming soon . . .'

Author: Yeah, about that . . .

'Err . . . I meant, why are you _here_? In this spot?'

'Waiting to talk to you so I can run off again. Just like always, dumbass.'

'What's your name?' Henry sighed.

'I don't have a name, but people call me Walter Sullivan. I don't have a home either, but that'll change – Mom's waiting, must go wake her, bye!' Little Walter took off at the speed of light, knocking Henry down. Henry stood up, took the Crest Medallion, and turned to where Walter went.

'Where does he always go?' he mumbled.

— — — _A floating McDonalds — — —_

Little Walter was sitting on a McDonalds bench, eating a Big Mac, when Ronald McDonald ran up to him.

'Heya there, Wally!' Ronald chuckled.

'No, once more, that's the other Walter in the other parodies.'

'Shut up runt, I didn't give you permission to speak. Anyway, want to go in the back for a "photo shoot"?'

'Boy, would I!' Walter screamed as he took Ronald's hand and the two went back in to the kitchen.

'Say, it's hot in here . . . better take off that shirt . . . and maybe those pants . . .'

'I'm lovin' it!' Walter cried as they disappeared.

'So am I,' Ronald muttered.

— — — _Henry_ — — —

'. . . you didn't . . . you couldn't have just made Ronald McDonald a paedophile . . .'

Author: I did.

'You're one sick bastard, poisoning the one innocent character we have left in the world . . .'

Author: Didn't he go out of style, like, two years ago?

'True that,' Henry conceded.

'Ronald . . . r-r-r-r-raped me when I was s-s-s-six,' Jasper stuttered.

Author: No, that was the Hamburglar.

'Better then James . . . he got raped by Colonel Sanders . . .'

Author: Let's move on . . .

'Okay,' Henry cried as he blasted Jasper in the head and ran. Jasper fell to the ground, where lightning conveniently struck a tree and pinned him.

'F-f-fuck . . .' he stuttered as the tree began to catch on fire from the flames on his body.

— — — _Back at the Wish House's ruins_ — — —

Everyone regrouped, and they stood before the wheelchair doll. Henry, at length, solved the puzzle and the doll suddenly came alive!!!!111!

'Thank you for giving me my limbs back!' he laughed maniacally. 'Now I shall kill you!' He moved to stand up, before falling back down on the chair. 'Damn . . . I really _am_ paraplegic . . .'

Henry reared up and kicked the wheelchair, sending the device flying back, revealing some stairs that lead down. Going down it, they found a cult's bible on the table:

_The Descent of the Holy Mother – The 21 Sacraments._

_And God said: bring before me the Livers of the Ten Sinners, so that I may add them to my meat collection. Bring before me the white oil and a black cup, for that which I may use as seasoning for the Livers. Consume my cooked Liver, and then shoot yourself. You'll be, like, immortal or something._

_And God said: put in Zeitgeist by The Smashing Pumpkins as you kill a few people, girding yourself with them or something. Call them Darkness, Gloom, Void, and Despair._

_And God said: return to Source-Code through sin's Temptation. Under the watchful eye of the Stalker, wander alone in the formless Chaos. Then separate from the flesh she who is the Mother Reborn, and he who is the final Receiver of Wisdom._

_By the mystery of the 21 Sacraments, you'll fuck the whole world up — I mean . . . you'll meet your mommy._

'Cool,' Henry said. 'Not that this memo has anything to do with us.' They put the Crest Medallion in the door, and continued down the stairs, knowing that they'd come to the Water Prison. At length, they opened the door, and heard a familiar voice singing 'Home By the Sea' by Genesis.

—_To Be Continued . . ._

— — —

_Will Jasper get free? Is Ronald McDonald a paedophile? What will they find in the Water Prison? Tune in next time for: The Aqua Jail! _


	10. Chapter 10: When Worlds Collide

Chapter 10: When Worlds Collide

— — — _Back in Chapter 8 — — —_

'You shall not pass!' James cried. Maria, at that moment, morphed into a huge, still stripper-like beast with fur and huge muscles. She pulled out her dominatrix whip, and cracked it.

'James, what are you doing!?' Henry called. James made no reply. Maria took a long stride forward, and swung her whip at James, who blocked with the spade.

'You _shall not pass_!' James yelled, and brought the spade upon the ground, splitting it asunder. Maria stepped back, unsure what to do. The party (good) watched in awe as the blonde squared off against the blonde.

Maria took a step forward . . .

. . . and the ground collapsed, sending her plummeting into the Abyss. Tom screamed 'No!' and lunged forward, but was restrained by Walter.

Henry almost smiled — until Maria's whip sailed upward, hit James in the balls, and forced him over the edge. The brunette ran for James, who was still clinging onto the very brink of the ledge. James futilely pulled himself up before sliding back down. As he fell, he cried:

'Run, you retards!'

James fell endlessly downward, catching up to the Maria monster. Reaching forward, he reclaimed the Sword of Obedience and clung onto Maria's leg, slashing it. Blood poured out as she swiped at him with her whip, which he dodged, and jumped onto her torso, slashing her stomach.

'Whoa, I never knew you had a tatoo,' he said loudly, amidst the trumpetting battle music and the whoosh of air.

Maria leaned down and lifted her shirt up a little, revealing a butterfly tattoo. 'Me neither,' she shrugged. Silence ensured, before she snarled and swiped at James. James leapt into the air and slashed her wrist, then ran up to her boobs (which he pretended to rest just so he could lean against it), and then jumping up to neck, slashing her collarbone viciously.

'James, you're turning me on!' Maria cried helplessly. Remember, she's a masochist.

'This is turning me on too!' James screamed as he slashed again. 'But I still hate you!'

'Ditto!'

'Still, you wanna get together some time?'

'I'm married.'

'Oh, that sucks. Plus you have herpes . . . wait, what the hell am I doing? You're the enemy!' James jumped up to her face and prepared to stab her eye out.

Just then they landed in a pool of water. The riff from 'Locomotive Breath' began to play distantly, and James knew that Henry was nearby.

—_Flashback—_

'_When I die,' James said to Henry as they sat on the couch, 'I want "Locomotive Breath" played immediately._

'_I want "Pretend That We're Dead" by L7,' Henry replied._

'_Dude, that sucks!'_

'_YOU HAVE YOUR OPINION, I HAVE MINE!'_

—_End Flashback—_

Still clutching onto Maria's hair, James rode Maria (. . .) up the stairs (:OD), until they came to a big tower, which James recognised as the Water Prison. Maria galloped up the tower, coming to the top. She looked around in confusion for James.

'Here!' James yelled as he plunged the Sword of Obedience into her neck, ripped it out and leapt off her. She spun around, and cracked her whip. 'Oh come on, Maria, you know you can't honestly beat me.'

'Yes I can!' Maria said as she whipped James in the balls.

'DUDE! No ball shots!'

'Life is not fair, James,' Maria said as she reached down to throw him off the tower.

'Aiyeeyeeyeeyeeyeeyeeyee!' came a cry, and a naked man on a vine swung down and kicked her in the temple, forcing her to stagger back and drop the whip.

'W00t!' James screamed as he lifted his sword up and slashed Maria's leg. Unfortunately, Maria's stripper boots were taller than James by a few feet, so thus he couldn't even touch her.

'You bastard!' she screamed, 'these were brand new!'

'Oh yeah, that's why you wore them in the last parody.'

'Two years is a short time for stripper boots,' she defended.

'Uh-huh,' James said as he leapt back. He then raised the sword's handle to his head-level, and closed his eyes. 'Know that if you strike me, Maria, I shall become more powerful than you can imagine.'

'I can't imagine much from you,' she said as she whipped him — he suddenly flashed yellow and blue as he aimed his pistol at the ground, firing a huge yellow beam that carried him into the air, and he then aimed that beam at Maria.

A blue bar at the bottom read 'Catastrophe'.

'Still not enough,' Maria said. Maria cast Fire3 on James. James recoiled, but then cast 'Choco/Mog' on Maria. She leapt back, and cast Regen on herself. James cast Wall on himself, and the Maria cast Bio2. James was poisoned!!!!!11!

James summoned Odin, who used Gunge Lance and dealt 3000 damage to Maria. She summoned Shiva, who dealt 2000 damage to James. James cast Comet2 on Maria, for a total of 11100 damage. Maria cast Ultima on James, which dealt 9999 and brought him to 1 Hp.

'I win!' Maria said. James stood, and pointed at her.

'_TIME TO DIE, BITCH_!' James screamed as he summoned Knights of the Round, and dealt a massive amount of damage, bringing Maria down to normal size. James screamed in joy and began to moonwalk.

'Truce,' Maria called weakly. 'I call a truce, James.'

'Truce,' James agreed — he then began to sing 'Home By the Sea' by Genesis.

'_(Hooome by the sea) — (hooome by the sea) — (hooome by the sea) — (hooome by the sea) — Creepin' up the blind side, shinnin' up the wall, stealin' through the dark of night — climb in through a window, steping to the floor, checkin' to the left and the right — pickin' up the pieces, putting them away: something doesn't feel quite right!_

'_Help me someone, let me out of here! — then out of the dark was suddenly heard: "Welcome to the home by the sea."_

'_Comin' out the woodwork through the open door, pushing from above and below — shadows but no substance, in the shape of men: round and down and sideways they go — adrift without direction, eyes that hold despair, then as one they sigh and they moan!_

'"_Help us someone! Let us out of here! — Living here so long, undistrubed, dreamin' of the time we were free — so many years ago! Before the time when we first heard: 'Welcome to the home by the sea.'—_'

'_**JAMES**_!' Henry screamed as he burst through a nearby door.

'_**HENRY**_!' James screamed.

'_**MARIA**_!' Tom screamed as he burst through the double-door leading to the stairs.

'_**SNUGGLE-BEAR**_!' Maria cried as Tom embraced her.

'Lord Sunderland!' Frog cried, 'thou art alive! But through that abyss thee fell . . . we thought thou deceased!'

'Nay,' James said as the rest of the party entered. 'I am alive, and very much—_FUCK! OWW!_' Tom had tackled James, and was giving him a purple-nurple.

'Honey!' Maria called. 'We declared truce, so you can't hurt him.'

'_THE HELL IF I CAN'T!_' Tom screamed.

The rest of the gang proceeded to tackle Tom and restrain him.

Author: This is going to take a while.

— — — _Afterwards_ — — —

The gang was headed down the Water Prison's third floor when they came upon a man with grey hair and a long katana.

'I swear, Darkcomet, I'm going to kill you . . .' he said. 'You did not pay me to cross dimensions!'

Author: (imitating Darkcomet) Shut up . . .

'Who are you? Darkcomet does not sound like a six year old girl . . .'

Author: _I AM ACTING MY HEART OUT!_

'. . . homo . . .'

'Who are you? Henry said,' Henry said.

Author: Not you, too . . .

'I am Sephiroth . . . uh, just Sephiroth. And I, because it's what I do, shall kill you for what you've done to me!'

'But, we never did anything . . .' James said.

'Silence!' One Winged Angel plays as Sephiroth draws the Masamune and points it at Henry. Henry sighs and aims the revolver, shooting Sephiroth in the balls, chest, stomach, and then through the heart. Sephiroth fell to the ground, crying.

'No one stands up to Sephiroth,' he said.

'Getting cocky, are we?' Henry turned to the party. 'What should we do?'

'Have Maria strip in front of him!' James suggested eagerly.

'No,' Maria stated dryly.

'Than what?'

'What's the worst torture we can inflict on him?' Crono asked. The crowd all got the same idea at once, and turned to face Tom. Tom was standing there, just thinking, when he noticed what was going on.

'What?' he asked, previously paying no attention. 'What!?'

— — — _Later_ — — —

'_HELP! OH GOD, HELP ME!_' came Sephiroth's screams from inside a Water Prison cell.

'Shut up,' came Tom's voice lazily. 'The more you resist, the longer it'll take.'

'It's been two hours!'

'I can go all day!' Tom roared in satisfaction.

'Mommy . . .'

The gang was outside, in the hall, watching as Sephiroth flailed like a . . . thing that flails. Tom was smoking a cigarette, apparently not losing or gaining anything from the experience. James looked to Maria.

'You have _no_ problem with this!?' he asked incredulously.

'He's so good,' Maria said, clearly happy, 'that I wish the whole world could experience him.'

Tom looked at his wrist, feigning having a watch, and abruptly stopped. 'We better stop this before Darkcomet realises what we're doing . . .'

Author: Good idea.

Tom let Sephiroth lay down on the ground and walked out, stretching. Maria leaned in the doorway and, after kissing Tom, asked Sephiroth 'Well, how was it?'

'It hurt more than anything I have ever experienced!' Sephiroth screamed, 'but I will not deny that he is the best in the universe.'

Crono bit his lip, and Robo chimed 'Well, Crono was deemed best, before he . . . went limp.

'How do you do that?' James asked.

—_Flashback—_

_Crono was sneakin' through the hallway, coming before Marle's door. Snickering, he placed his hand on the doorknob as he was seized by his shoulders. Spinning around, he found Ayla._

'_Not now Ayla!' Crono fumed as he went back to the door._

'_What Crono do with Marle?' Ayla said in her primitive dialect._

'_Crono fuck Marle,' Crono stated dryly._

'_Crono fuck Ayla!' Ayla yelled. She grabbed Crono by his collar and threw him onto the bed._

'_Ayla, this is NOT cool.'_

_Ayla threw herself upon Crono, panting savaging as she rode the young boy._

'_This qualifies as rape!' Crono screamed. Ayla moved very suddenly, followed by a snap. 'AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' Crono leapt up, shoving Ayla so hard she went through the wall. 'OH MY GOD, IT'S BROKE! I CAN'T FEEL IT! HELP ME! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!'_

'_Crono!?' Marle asked, coming out of the bedroom with very attractive lingerie on. 'OH MY GOD! AYLA! What did you do!?'_

'_Ayla make Crono ma—' Ayla began before Crono's sword plunged deep into her heart._

'_Marle, Marle, get Lucca, GET LUCCA!' he screamed._

'_This is the most you've ever spoke,' Marle said. 'I liked quiet, caged-animal Crono—'_

'_YOU CAN HAVE QUIET CRONO ONCE LOUD CRONO SEES IF HIS DICK IS BROKEN!'_

_Lucca came immediately, getting on her knees and looking at Crono's pecker (who shifted nervously). For many moments, she stroked it in different positions, measured it, and tapped it gently._

'_Right!' she said. 'Now, to examine it!' Many moments passed. 'Well Crono, it appears that you're now . . . LIMP!'_

'_NOOOOOOOOOO!' Crono cried as he fell to his knees._

—_End Flashback —_

'That has to suck,' James muttered.

'That was all Marle could do,' Crono said. James's face twisted in confusion.

'Ewwwww!' he cringed, and turned away.

'Halt!' came Walter's voice: he was standing by the bend of the hallway, two pistols in hand. 'I cannot allow you to go any further!'

'What the hell?' came Walter's voice from the other side. 'Where the hell am I? Darkcomet, did you slip me some ectasy in my sleep again?'

Author (pulling out a voice synthesiser): Yes.

'I'm gonna kick your ass.'

Real Darkcomet: What was that?

Everyone froze. Henry pulled out the revolver, and looked at D.C. Walter. 'Wanna play Russian Roulette?'

'Sure, why not?' Walter said, taking the revolver and spinning the chamber. He put it in his mouth, and pulled the trigger – it fired.

'_DUMBASS!_' Henry cried. 'It's fully loaded!'

'Who bothered to spawn you?' Walter muttered as he fell back like always after he is defeated.

After he finally stopped laughing, Henry shot Walter from this story in the face, and the party went to the first floor. They began down the stairs.

'_Father's always smoking and your mom's at church on Tuesday and your brother's always drinkin' and DYIN'!_' came a dreary voice from down the stairs. Because of Eileen's dumb ass, they couldn't continue down through ladders; thus they went through the normal way, via the stairs.

'_How the mind will shout for rest — when the body's shakin', yeah — oh this tightness in my chest —_'

'That sounds familiar,' Henry said.

'It's Alice in Chains,' James said.

'No, the voice.'

'Layne Staley.'

'_DAMNIT_, the voice who's singing now!'

'. . . Jerry Cantrell?'

'_NOT FOR ALICE IN CHAINS!_'

'_I'll choose a day, one damp and grey — thick fog to hide our smiles — clear all your sins, get born again — just repeat a couple lines . . ._'

'It's getting really close,' Maria said. 'Ooh, I love this song!'

'_Once upon a time, I was all the mind to lay your burden down — and leave you where you stood . . . you believed I could, you'd seen it done before — I could read your thoughts, and tell you what you sought, and never say a word — but now all that is gone: over with and done, never to return . . ._'

The ghost of Andrew Dissolve-you came into view then, very fat and bloated (yeah, he bloated), singing merrily and not paying one bit of attention to our travellers.

'Fuck him and his happy ass,' Henry said as he lifted his revolver and shot Andrew in the stomach. He went down, but dropped a key as he did so. Henry stooped and took it, then the group ran away.

Andrew lay on the ground, crying, before he stood again and resumed his songs.

Reaching the door the key went to, Henry unlocked it to find six double-heads standing at the exit, waiting for him.

'Hey, Receiver!' they called, 'we know what you did to Tony, bitch!'

'What you gonna do about it!?' Henry asked, pulling out the axe and taking long steps towards them.

'Doug, don't do this,' one monster said to another.

'No, you know what, he's killed our pals throughout his whole journey. Fuck Walter, I'm gonna kill this prick,' Doug said. 'Bring it on!'

— — — _Ten minutes later_ — — —

Henry was covered in blood, axe in hand, the corpses of all the double-heads scattered around him. Stepping over them, he opened the door at the end for his comrades. They eyes him warily, and went down the stairs. Henry quickly ran to the corpse of Doug, and leaned down beside him.

'I brought it, _bitch_,' he whispered harshly as he rejoined the others.

— — — _Somewhere dark — — — _

'Kick ass, I win.'

'Screw you! How can you even play cards with those _ENORMOUS_ hands!?'

'I manage.'

'Why are you here, anyway?'

'Vivi, Steiner, and Zidane all went to some party with a bunch of hot women — Freya, Quina, Dagger, and Eiko all started their own fashion line — so that left me alone. EternalFlare sent me a postcard saying that there were drugs here.'

'You do drugs, too?'

'How the hell _else_ can I put up with Freya's nagging?'

'I know what you mean. I told my wife to get out after she told me to shut the front door. _NO ONE TELLS RICHARD BRAINFART WHAT TO DO!?_'

'True that.'

—_To Be Continued_

— — —

_Where do the stairs lead to now? Who is with Brainfart? Will Darkcomet remove his characters from this story? (Let's hope so, Walter scares me)._

_Sephiroth: What about me?_

_DAMNIT, YOU ARE NOT INCLINED TO SPEAK IN THIS STORY! Anyway, stay tuned for: The Building World!_

_P.S: Only because I have to: Andrew sings 'A Little Bitter' and 'Get Born Again' by Alice in Chains, and 'Shadow on the Sun' by Audioslave. Oh, and 'Church on Tuesday' by Stone Temple Pilots._


	11. Chapter 11: The Eleven Lies

Chapter 11: The Eleven Lies

— — — _Somewhere dark_ — — —

Walter caught his breath and stomped, growling in frustration. 'They always seem to foil my plot somehow!' he pouted. 'I need to separate them all . . . and now that Maria and Tom are against me, this will be much harder . . . that's what she said — wait, can't right now! Need to think of a plan!'

Walter sat there, thinking, until his cellular phone rang. Opening it up, he said 'Hello?'

'Hello Mr. Sullivan,' came a whispery voice.

'. . . who is this?'

'Oh, don't you worry about who this is . . .'

'. . . Richard?'

'. . .' Beep.

Walter shrugged, and resumed thinking. His phone rang again, and he promptly answered.

'Hello, Mr. Sullivan,' came a very loud and silly voice, 'this is Mr.–uh, Durma . . . lurka . . melahamanammer . . . Mr. Durmalurkamelahamanammer, yes. I am Mr. Durmalurkamelahamanammer, and I'm calling reference to your subscription of Vogue—'

'I didn't subscribe to that!'

'Well it says here that you did . . . and we kind of had a problem. One of our drivers got drunk, yes, and he . . . uh, stashed your subscription in a mailbox on . . . Elm street. You might want to, uh, run around and check those mailboxes for an issue of Vogue.'

'Yes sir!' Walter yelled. He grabbed his pipe and his pistol and entered the real world, running straight for Elm street.

— — — _In the house with the birthday cake — — —_

'_BUAHAHAHAAHAHA!_' came Richard Brainfart's (ghost's) laugh as he fell back in his chair.

'I still don't quite get it,' the huge, white skinned, red-haired humanoid next to Richard said.

'That dipshit is going to run through Ashfield with a bloody pipe, a handgun, all dirty and bloodstained, and he's going to be checking peoples' mailboxes! They'll arrest his ass!'

'Damn!' the humanoid laughed, and held up his enormous hand in high-five. Richard promptly slapped it.

'_DAMN!_' Richard cried in pain, 'not so hard!'

'Oops.' The humanoid grabbed another piece of cake. 'You think the owner of this house will mind if we eat this cake?'

'He won't,' Richard said bluntly. 'I'm Richard Brainfart, remember?'

Back in the corner of the room was the ghost who owned the house. He shook with fear, crying and shaking his head. 'T-that was my c-c-cake . . .'

'Huh?' Richard said, getting a funny feeling, like he was missing a cutscene. 'Yo, Amarant, come on. I gotta talk to these guys.'

Amarant Coral stood up, hitting his head on the ceiling. 'Damnit, I had to be so fucking tall . . .'

'How tall are you?' Richard asked, grabbing his crowbar.

'I one-on-one'd with King Kong,' Amarant said bluntly as they walked out the door.

— — — _The gang — — —_

'This location does not compute upon my scanners,' Robo said as they stood in a parking lot.

'Where are we?' Crono asked as he leaned on his pipe.

'There be a note upon the ground,' Frog pointed out.

'Meh, who cares?' Henry said, walking past it. 'It's not like we have to use it.'

'I don't know . . .' Maria muttered.

'_YO, BITCHES!_' came a voice above them, and there was Ricard Brainfart, crowbar in hand, with a gigantic figure beside him. Richard jumped off the top, and landed safely on the ground.

'Richard, I don't know about that,' Amarant called. 'Last time I fell from a big height, I got saved by that stupid Zidane.'

'Amarant, come on,' Richard called up. Amarant shrugged, and flipped off the building, landing gracefully. Standing, he brushed himself off and took a stride forward.

'He's taller than Aragorn,' Tom gasped.

James and Henry screamed at the sight, and dove behind a nearby car, peeking over it and leaving a yellow puddle in their wake. Richard approached the group with no sign of hostility.

'I'm not here to kick your guys' asses,' Richard said. 'I'm here to help. Along with Amarant Coral, who is awesome.'

Amarant nodded and crossed his arms.

'Where are the bitch and the baby?' Richard continued.

'Bitch and baby are hiding behind that car,' Maria said, pointing to behind the car.

'Whore!' James screamed as he and Henry stood up, knees shaking. 'Hello, Richard, hello Adamant.'

'Amarant,' Amarant corrected.

'Or, in Japan, Salamander.'

'Huh?'

'Read up sometime, retard,' James scoffed.

'Likewise, fucktard.'

Maria shuddered. 'I love a man who talks dirty.'

'Hey, you skank,' Tom fumed. 'I'll jack you the next time that you talk to him like that.'

'. . . ooh, I love you baby,' Maria said as she jumped on him.

' . . . you two are freaks,' Amarant muttered as he turned back to Richard. 'Anyway, we got rid of Walter Sullivan — for the time being . . .'

— — — _Ashfield — — — _

Walter had just finished checking a mailbox when two cops pulled up, leaping out of their cars and aiming their guns at him.

'Freeze, police!' they cried. Walter took off running, and was pursued by the cops. He reached the street and found it was in the middle of heavy traffic, and he'd be run over if he tried to get through.

The cops caught up, and leapt on him, wrestling him to the ground and taking away his weapons. They turned him around and handcuffed him.

'No, you see,' Walter said as they loaded him into the police car, 'Vogue thought they had my subscription, and sent "my" issue to—' They had Walter at the car, and he bracing the sides of the door with his feet and struggling wildly, '—the wrong address,_ AND NOW I HAVE GET IT BEFORE_ _PEOPLE THINK I READ THAT CRAP!_'

Walter knocked the cops down and rolled away, standing and running sloppily away. As he entered the street, he got slammed by a car, thrown over it and onto the street — a truck then rolled over him. Walter didn't move.

'Ehh,' one of the cops said, getting on the radio, 'we may need some medical assistance.'

— — — _Back to the gang_ — — —

Everyone is inside the house with the birthday cake, waiting for something that Richard won't reveal the nature of. Finally, after ten minutes, the flaming ghost of Jasper Gein floated in sporting a pickaxe. 'H-h-h-here, Amarant,' he said as he handed the Pickaxe of Despair to said person.

'Sweet,' Amarant grunted, 'it's big enough for me . . . and it matches my hair.'

'The c-c-c-c-c-cops arrested Wal-wal-walter, and he's in c-c-county lock up-p-p,' Jasper announced. Richard and Amarant laughed. 'Anyw-w-w-ways, you guys may get through un-h-h-h-hindered, as long as you make haste. Someone's going to b-b-b-bail Walter out.'

'Who!?' Richard asked.

'I d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-don't know,' Jasper said as he shrugged.

— — — _County Lock Up — — —_

'Hey,' came a voice next to Walter. The blonde looked over to see a huge man with a dozen tattoos looking into his eyes. 'I'll be your _friend_.'

Walter smiled. 'Really?'

'Yeah, I'm Bubba.'

'I'm—'

'Walter Sullivan?' came an officer's voice from outside the cell. 'Your bail's been posted, you're free to go.' Walter stood and turned back to Bubba.

'Nice to meet you,' he said as he exited the cell. 'Who posted my bail?'

'I did!' came a voice from around the corner. There was a robed figure, who took the robe off to reveal: Sigma!

'. . . I don't even know you, why did you post my bail?' Walter asked.

'Because it's my pasttime: bailing out strangers. And then becoming their sidekicks for whatever schemes they may have.'

'. . . did EternalFlare put you up to—'

'We must be off!' Sigma cried as he threw a smoke bomb.'You have to appear in a cutscene.'

— — — _Behind a grate_ — — —

'Dangit,' Henry screamed. 'Now we have to go do that stupid sideques—'

Amarant kicked the grate, knocking it over and revealing a perfectly open path. Eileen started through, but her heel caught on a link and she fell forward, skinning herself. Everyone paused, and continued as Eileen stood up.

'Mom's waiting, stay outta my way!' little Walter cried. 'Who are you, anyway!?'

'My name's Walter,' big Walter said, 'Walter Sullivan. It's time to complete the Twenty-one Sacraments.'

'But that's, like, my name . . . and what are the "Twenty-one Sacraments"?'

Walter held up his finger. 'You'll know soon enough. Come now . . . let's go see Mother!' Big Walter and Little Walter started Banana Dancing, and floated away.

'There be magic of some sort within that dance,' Frog mused.

The group continued until they came to the big, red room with the fan. Rather than a bunch of wheelchairs like scripted, there was a cloaked figure with a big mole on his head.

'It's not a mole!' Sigma cried.

Author: Yeah, well it looks like one.

'Anyway,' Sigma said, throwing the cloak off and drawing a lightsabre, 'I've come to slay Eileen Calvin and Henry Townshend!'

'Why me!?' Henry cried.

'Joseph will tell you everything. Now, prepare for your doom!' Sigma charged at Eileen, but Henry and James intercepted him, firing blindly. He plowed through the two, however, and reached for Eileen . . .

Richard teleported in front of him, thwacking his skull with the crowbar. Sigma halted, and swung at Richard — Richard teleported behind him, and hit again.

'Amarant!' Richard cried.

'On it,' Amarant responded cooly, raising the pickaxe to bear and swinging it into Sigma's shoulder. Sigma fell to the ground, a bunch of circuits blowing, but he got back up and roared.

'Taste Flair, prick,' Amarant said as he used No Mercy. Sigma staggered back and made for the door, but had his clock cleaned by Robo, sending him right between Frog and Crono, who each hit him in the head. Said appendage burst apart in a sea of whitish-blue sparks, sending Sigma to the ground.

'Run, run, run,' James said, 'before he turns into his second form!'

— — — _Not too long afterwards — — — _

There was a note on the circle-ey door:

_To continue, you must defeat the only one here that isn't one of the Eleven Lies. Making him the One Truth. So kill him, idiot, and get here ASAP._

Opening the door, the group found themselves in a room with twelve wall monsters, each sliding down from the ceiling.

'How do we kill twelve!?' James shrieked.

'Just all attack a different one,' Amarant replied dryly. James conceded, and ran up to one of the monsters, swinging his spade. It slapped him in the face, sending him plummeting down into the darkness.

'James!' Robo cried as he was hit, joining James. Frog was hit from behind too, as well as Crono, Maria, and Tom.

'_HEY!_' Richard shouted. All the monsters paused, shaking. 'Which one of you is the "One Truth"?' All the monsters pointed to the monster that had knocked James off. Richard, Amarant and Henry each hit it, killing it and opening the door.

'Do you think they're dead?' Henry asked.

'I don't know,' Amarant shrugged. 'Let's move on.'

— — — _In the dark hole — — — _

'What happened?' James's voice said.

'I don't know,' Robo beeped.

'How's that, Tom?' Maria purred.

'What?' Tom asked.

'Ohhh man, Maria,' James moaned.

'Ewww,' Maria said as she called 'Where's Tom?'

'Whose hand am I touching?' Tom asked.

'Okay, that's mine,' Maria said. 'How's that, Tom?'

'Feels _reeeeeeaaaaally _good.'

'There art more importent tasks rather than manipulating Tom's testicles with thy hand, Maria,' Frog scolded.

'You're right,' Tom sighed.

'Aww,' Maria said.

'Hey, I said he was right! I didn't say I was going to comply!'

'Oh,' Maria purred, and was back on it.

'Welcome!' came Walter's voice. 'I see some people fell into my trap!'

'What was the point of Sigma . . .' James mused.

'Now, I shall hold you hostage!' Walter laughed.

—_To Be Continued!_

— — —

_Where are Henry and co. going? What will Walter do with James and co.? What WAS the point of Sigma? Find out next time, in: ROOM 302 OF THE PAST!_


	12. Chapter 12: Escape From Room 302

Chapter 12: Escape from Room 302

Henry, Richard, Amarant, and Eileen came to the bottom of the staircase at last, to find themselves in front of Room 302's door. Richard coughed. 'Last time I opened the door to my room where it wasn't supposed to be . . .'

'There's a note on the ground,' Eileen giggled as she picked it up. 'I can't read it!'

'. . . do you have _any_ fucking education?' Henry demanded.

'I is home schooled!'

'I need some weed,' Henry pouted as he took the memo from Eileen.

_James left . . . I feel so angry at that son of a bitch. I went to Room 302 to demolish it, and found this man in a coat there. We got high and had a couple of beers, then he told me to skeet. So I left, and afterwards, I could hear some weird noises, like a buzzsaw, a rock drill, and a bulldozer. There were signs of someone working in there, but nothing truly unusual. Aside from a gaping hole in the laundry room, bathroom, and hallway, there was nothing too strange._

_Then I saw that man dragging a bloody bag about the size of a human being . . . Richard Brainfart from 207 confronted him about it, and the man simply gave a mysterious reply: 'I killed him, and I'll kill you!' I'm not sure what's going on here, because the clues are too subtle for me to read, but if my son is behind it, I WILL KICK HIS ASS!_

_XOXOXOXOXO — with love, Frank Sunderli — Sanderlan — Sunderland._

'That's James's dad, alright,' Henry muttered. 'Okay, let's go in—'

'Let's knock first,' Richard said.

'I'm not knocking on my own damn front door.'

'Pussy,' Amarant said as he strode forward. He raised his hand and delivered a soft knock.

The door splintered in half and flew off its hinges, slamming into the wall on the other side of the room, knocking down all the stuff that was there and breaking a portion of the wall. Amarant just stood there, hand still in the fist, at the very position in which he had knocked.

'Damn, Freeza,' Richard said, 'I'd hate to see you at 100 power.'

'Shut up, Richard,' Amarant said as he ducked and entered the room. He stood and hit his head on the ceiling. 'For Garland's sake, I feel like Gandalf when he went to Bilbo's house.'

— _Flashback? —_

_Gandalf knocked lightly at the door, and the little hobbit Bilbo Baggins opened it with a smile upon his face._

'_Gandalf!' he cried, ''Tis wonderful to see you!'_

'_Yeah, yeah,' Gandalf slurred, 'scotch, please.'_

'_Right!' Bilbo scurried back into his house, and Gandalf entered. Crouching as he entered, he stood upright and slammed his head against the ceiling, knocking him to his knees. Shaking his head, he stood again, slamming the top of his head once more. Scowling, he turned and hit his face on a chandelier._

'_DAMNIT!' he screamed as he excreted fire and lightning, burning the hobbit's house down in a thunderous streak of anger and flame. Bilbo stood before him, shocked, before he drew his sword, Bling, and taunted Gandalf._

'_It's on, bitch,' Gandalf cried as he drew Hamstring and swiped at Bilbo with his staff._

—_End Flashback?—_

'I wonder how the others are doing?' Richard asked as he groped Eileen's breasts.

'Dude!' Amarant cried, observing this.

'Shut up, Colossus, get your own.'

Amarant turned to Henry.

'_NOOOOOOO!!!!_' Henry screamed as he darted into the back bedroom.

'All I was going to ask was if there was any beer in this place . . .' Amarant shrugged.

'_IN THE FRIDGE!_' came Henry's voice from the bedroom.

'Kick ass,' Amarant said as he grabbed a Bud Light. 'Two cool points for Henry.'

— — — _Still somewhere dark_ — — —

'Oooh,' Maria moaned. 'You dirty animal, you!'

'How long have they been having sex?' James asked, defeated.

'Two hours,' Robo beeped. 'And . . . thirty-four minutes.'

'And longer still to go,' Tom added.

'EternalFlare doesn't want us to stop,' Maria purred.

Author: That's the third time that I've written you purring. And I do want you to stop, it's just you don't listen to orders.

'Our offer from earlier _still_ stands . . .' Maria said as she went back to making out with Tom.

'Why hasn't anyone wondered _WHERE THE FUCK WE ARE_!?' Crono said.

'That thought hath crossed mine mind, Crono, but naught of it has theirs,' Frog moaned.

'Shouldn't we be thinking of a plan?' Robo beeped.

'If no one else is, I guess it's up to us to save the day, like fucking usual,' Crono fumed.

'_HEY!_' James roared, '_I SAVED YOUR ASS IN THE HOSPITAL!_'

'One time,' Crono stated. '_WITH YOUR ASS!_'

'But still . . .'

'No more thinking!' Crono yelled, 'it's time to act!'

'"You're using coconuts!" "What?" "You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're bangin' them together!" "Well it doesn't matter, will you ask your master if he'll join my court at Camelot?" "Where'd you get the coconuts?" "We found them." "Found them? In _Mercia_? The coconuts _tropical_!" "What do you mean?" "Well this is a temperate zone!" "The swallow may fly south with the sun . . . or the house martin or the plover might seek warmer climes in winter — yet these are not strangers to our land!" "Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" "Not at all . . . they could be carried!" "A _swallow_, carrying a _coconut_!?" "It could grip it by the husk—" "It's not a matter of where he _grips_ it: it's a simple matter of weight ratios: a five ounce bird, could not carry a one pound coconut!"'

'Who's closest to James?' Crono sighed.

'Me,' Maria sighed.

'Smack his ass.'

'All I did was do as you said!' James pleaded. 'I acted!'

Smack.

'Done . . .'

'That sounded . . . _NO! NOT LITERALLY! SMACK HIS FACE!_'

'Oh.'

Sharper smack.

'Mommy!' James cried as he curled into a ball. He then reached around and punched Maria.

'. . . James, join us, _please_ . . .' Maria begged.

'Masochistic bitch,' Crono muttered.

— — — _Room 302 — — —_

Henry was in his bedroom, picking up some papers while singing in a high falsetto.

'_Sing me a song, you're singer — do me a wrong, you're bringer of evil — the Devil is never a maker — the less that you give, you're a taker —_' Finally he found a few notes that he understood.

_Me can't break wall._

_Eileen equals the mother's body. And what a fine body . . ._

_Bell rings means that the ritual begins . . . and an angel gets his wings._

_Henry is gay._

'Motherfucker.'

_Walter wrote the previous note._

'Oh.'

_But I agree._

'Son of a bitch.'

Henry stormed out of the bedroom and stepped in a big pile of black goo. He found Richard and Amarant looking up behind him, while Eileen was passed out on the couch. Turning around, he saw a weird looking male with no hair looking at him, hanging down from the ceiling.

'_HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT!_' he screamed as he fell backwards, breaking the coffee table.

'_THAT COST TWO GRAN—_ . . . ahem,' the figure said. 'You've done well to make it this far . . . I guess. It's not like it's that hard.'

'Bull shit,' Henry muttered.

'Anyway . . . I'm Joseph Schreiber. _DAAAAYUM_, Eileen! You look _HOT_!'

'Tee hee,' Eileen giggled in her sleep.

'Anyway . . . Brainfart!? You died!?'

'Yeah,' Richard admitted.

'I expected you to whup Sullivan's ass!'

'I'm gonna . . .'

'And who the hell are you?'

'I'm Amarant Coral . . .' Amarant said.

'Why are you here?'

Amarant sighed. 'It's a long story.'

'Yeah, back onto the topic. Let me tell you a little sumthin-sumthin about Walter Sullivan . . . yo.'

— — — _Still somewhere dark_ — — —

'_Cuz you won't get away, no with us you will stay, for the rest of your days — sit down!_'

'He always must begin to sing,' Frog sighed.

'If this doesn't end soon,' Tom said, 'I want you to eat James.'

'_Turn off your conscience — leave the world outside — nothing at all can ever make you feel — that anything's real, __**if you just DISCONNECT**_'

'Kill that son of a bitch,' Maria moaned. 'And then let us use the body . . . muahaha!'

'No . . .' James whimpered. 'Huh? There's something here . . .' Suddenly a door opened, spilling light into the room. It was a small iron cell. James stood by the doorway, holding the spade. 'I think this might be the exit.'

'No shit, Sherlock,' Crono said as he stood up. 'You fucking imbecile! This is a _ledge_. We can't—'

James dove off.

'. . . oh well. I sacrificed myself once, I don't mind dying again.' Crono leapt off.

'Everyone down!' Frog cried as he leapt off.

— — — _Room 302 — — —_

'. . . and that's essentially it.'

Henry squinted, trying to comprehend. 'So . . . Walter thinks that my apartment is his mom?'

'Essentially,' Joseph sighed.

'And he's killing people to . . . purify her?'

'Yeah.'

'. . . _BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_ _WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SHIT IS THAT! HE THINKS AN APARTMENT IS HIS MOM? WHAT A FUCKING RETARD! BUAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!_'

Richard and Amarant broke out laughing uncontrollably, amidst cries of 'What a dipshit' and 'Stupid bitch'.

'Anyway,' Joseph said, clearly not expecting this to happen, 'you've gotta kill him. Or else he'll kill you and wake up the Devil.'

'Yeah, heh, I'll kill him,' Henry said, standing up. 'But I don't know—'

'Obey da Crimson Tome,' Joseph said. He then sank back into the wall. Henry looked and saw that, on the coffee table, was an old book and a fairy tale. The fairy tale he read first.

_Once upon a time, there was a baby. He was connected to his mommy through a MAGICAL cord! The baby felt warm and happy when he was with the MAGICAL cord! But then the MAGICAL cord was cut, and baby was all alone. But baby made lots of MAGICAL friends at the MAGICAL wish house, and he learned of a way to wake his mommy up. 'Cuz after the MAGICAL cord was cut, mommy went to sleep. That's important. But baby figured out that the mommy he was trying to wake up was a rude old bitch named Mrs. Cunnings. Then he went next door, and tried to wake up his mommy there. But then he found that he was trying to wake up the Devil. Poor baby, had no money. Then a light appeared from the sky, and behold: the MAGICAL cord! Baby clutched the MAGICAL cord in hand, and drifted off to sleep._

_MAGICAL!_

'That was . . . really gay,' Henry said as he threw it away. 'Now to the Crimson Tome.

_She who be called The Holy Mother be not holy one whit. That which be called the 'Descent of the Holy Mother' be naught but the 'Descent of the Devil'. The 21 Sacraments be not sacramental one whit. Those that be called the 21 Sacraments be naught but the '21 Heresies'._

_If thou would stop the Descent of the Devil, thou must pierce the Conjurer's flesh with the flesh of his birth mother. Then stick the 8 spears of 'Darkness', 'Gloom', 'Void', 'Despair', 'Temptation?', 'Source-Code', 'Stalker', and 'Chaos' within his true body. If thou does this, then the Conjurer's unholy flesh shall become that which it once was, by the grace of our Lord._

'There we go!' Henry said.

'Dude, what's that?' Amarant said, pointing at the wall down the hall (Rhyme).

'Whoa, a pickaxe!' Henry said as he picked it up. 'Damn, this is blunt as hell. "Hope" is written on the handle.'

'Why don't you go back to your apartment and break down the same wall?' Richard suggested.

'Sure,' Henry said, climbing in the H013 once more. 'You comin'?'

'I can't fit,' Amarant said.

'And that just seems gay,' Richard said. 'Come on, Amarant, let's go.'

— — — _Room 302_ — — —

'_HOLY FUCKING — MY HEAD!_' Henry screamed as he fell out of his bed, running out to the living room. He noticed the fan had fallen on the coffee table, and that there were demons invading the whole room. Ignoring it like he was so good at, he pulled the pickaxe out of his pocket and hit the wall he was supposed to break down. 'Maybe I should use this on the chains . . . nah.'

— — — _Five minutes later_ — — —

The wall is barely even phased.

'Damnit, this is going to take a while.'

— — — _The others_ — — —

'Where the hell are we?' James asked as he woke up.

''Tis the apartment world again!' Frog cried.

'Huh . . . that's weird,' Maria said. 'Look . . . there's Room 302.'

'Really?' James asked. 'Whew, there are a lot of demons in there, and the fan fell down.' He was looking through the peephole, of course.

'What the hell!?' Crono asked. 'Why is Henry beaming and running for the door like a girl?'

'I don't know . . .' James muttered as they heard clicking noises.

— — — _Two minutes prior — — —_

'Damn . . . wall . . .' Henry said as he leaned on the pickaxe and caught his breath. Stooping, he entered a secret room and walked into the centre. Looking to his left, he saw a huge body, tangled up on a cross-like pipe.

'Dude . . . that looks like Walter.' He went up to the corpse of Walter and found _11121_ carved on his foot. Also, taped on his forehead was a note that read '**DO NOT DISTURB . . . BITCH**'.

Henry punched Walter's face, causing his coat to rustle and some keys to fall off. Henry picked them up and examined them.

'Now what the hell do I need a key for!?' he cried. 'The only thing I have left to unlock is . . . _**MY FRONT DOOR**_!'

— — — _Outside Room 302 — — — _

'_RUN!_' Robo beeped as they saw Henry charging the door after unlocking the chains. They moved away as Henry knocked the door open, sailing through it and hitting the hard wall across from the door.

'Son of . . . a bitch,' Henry sighed as he fell backwards. Standing up, he screamed from joy. 'I'm free, I'm free, I'm free, _I'M FREE!_ Eat that, Walter!'

'Uh . . .' Tom said, 'Henry . . .'

'What!?' Henry asked. It was then that he noticed the red wormy-things on the walls. '_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_'

'Yeah,' everyone said quietly.

'I'm going . . . to kill Walter!'

It was then that Eileen, Richard and Amarant appeared from down the hall. Amarant immediately bent down and threw up.

'How can you teleport!?' he cried as he continued puking.

'I'm dead. My insides are fried,' Richard declared as he walked towards Henry and co.

'You got out, Henry!' Eileen cried as she ran for him.

'Not exactly,' Henry said.

'Come on Henry,' Richard said, taking Henry by the shoulder. 'There's one more thing we have to do before you can kill Walter.'

—_To Be Continued_

— — —

_Will Henry be able to kill Walter? How can Richard teleport? (Insert another question)? Tune in next time for: Outside Room 302!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_James acts out a scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail._


	13. Chapter 13: Quest for the MAGIC Cord

Chapter 13: Quest for the MAGIC Cord

Henry and company opened the door to 303 and found some big monsters, like double-heads, but no baby faces. I believe Henry summed it up best:

'Dude, you guys look like giant asses . . . literally.'

'It's just the way we were made,' the nearest one said.

Henry shot him. 'Oops . . . what was that?' Henry was then thrown across the room by a charging one on the side, which Amarant killed with one swing of the pickaxe.

'Heh,' Townshend said as he walked down the stairs nearby, 'I like you Amar—' He was knocked back up the stairs again, slamming into the wall and sliding down.

James was on it with the spade, bludgeoning the anus-monster to death. Henry stood and wiped himself off, cursing and thanking James. The party continued down the stairs.

Suddenly their ears were filled with panting, from nothing actually in the room, but everywhere. 'Sounds like someone's in labour,' Richard said.

Everyone looked at him. 'How do you know that?' Maria asked.

'My God, how long does it take you people . . . _I'm RICHARD BRAINFART_! I know everything!'

'I didn't even know what labour sounded like, and I've had, like, six kids.'

'Where are they?'

'They came out as monsters.'

'. . . were they Tom's?'

'Yeah.'

'Bobby, Peter, John, Kumar, Tom Jr., and Erlagurdid,' Tom said.

'What'd you do with them?' Amarant asked.

'We sent them to Silent Hill, and never looked back.'

'You . . .' Henry said, 'didn't have a boy in my apartment, did you?'

'No,' Maria said, 'but I want to make a baby with you.' She winked.

'Maria,' Tom said, 'I feel bad when you hit on other men.'

'Oh baby,' Maria said, leaping into Tom's arms, 'I don't mean it . . .' They began to make out.

'I have three questions,' Amarant said: 'One: how does she kiss him through that helmet; Two: did he just use that "I" method of speaking; and Three: Who farted?'

'Don't know, yes, me,' James answered.

'What did you eat?'

—_Flashback—_

_James is walking in the subway around the time where Henry is trapped with Cynthia. He steps by a demon dog._

'_Man,' he says, kicking it, 'that's nasty. But I am hungry . . .'_

—_End Flashback—_

'Dear Odin . . .' Amarant said as he kicked the door open and the group left that room. Continuing down, they came to a set of iron bars. 'On it . . . or not!' Amarant began as he approached, but there came a bang, and Walter's pistol (on the other side) was smoking — the bullet whizzed past Amarant. Breaking open the door, the Flaming Amarant let the group inside.

'I'm on Walter,' Richard scowled as he teleported behind the bars.

'_AHH_!' came Walter's scream, and boots could be heard running away. Richard teleported back to the group.

'Hey Richard,' Henry said at length, 'why don't you teleport us to where we have to go?'

Amarant put his hand to his stomach. 'You don't want to do that.'

'Oookay,' Henry said as they continued.

— — — _Walter_ — — —

'Oh . . . oh man . . . oh man, oh man, oh man . . . game over, man, that's game over!'

Walter paced back and forth down a hallway, thinking quietly to himself as he fingered his pipe.

Audience: Ewwwwww. . .

Author: Shut up, not that pipe.

'Oh man, I'm never gonna wake up mom now! They'be beat me every time I've confronted them, and nothing works!'

Author: You just need Henry and Eileen, man. Just split them up—oops.

'That's a great idea! But first, I have to go get Little Walter. I have a bad feeling about that Ronald McDonald . . .

— — — _Somewhere — — —_

'Okay, Ronald, your turn!' Little Walter said. They were playing Truth-or-Dare.

'Hmm . . . truth or dare?' Ronald McDonald said.

'Dare!' Walter said, challenging Ronald.

'Hmm . . . let's see . . . oh I know! I dare you to . . . take your pants off . . .'

'Okay!'

'Oh my . . . oh dear, it's hot in here . . .'

Audience: Boo!

Author: (shoots riot gun) I'M NOT KIDDING! I WILL KILL YOU!

Audience: We don't have to put up with this!

Author: If you say you like it you get a pie.

Audience: Fine, we'll stay.

Author: (whispering) A pie that's poisoned.

— — — _Back to the gang_ — — —

'You . . .' Henry began, '. . . how can you constantly degrade Ronald McDonald?'

Author: Because it is my job.

'I don't doubt him there,' Amarant said as they proceeded into a hallway.

'Tee hee!' said one of six Patient Demons sitting in the hallway. 'There he is! Henry!'

'Let's not kill him!' one said mischievously, 'let's make him our boy-toy!'

'Yeah!' another said, 'we'll play dress-up, then we'll have a slumber party, and then play spin the bottle, and—'

'Stop!' the first one said, 'you're getting me excited! Oh, dearest Henry, come to your new love—huh?'

Henry and co. were gone.

'Where shall we find love?' the second Patient Demon wailed.

In the door behind the demons, Henry and co. were just standing. 'If you guys,' Henry said, 'tell _anyone_ that I ran away . . .'

'We won't,' came everyone else's reply.

Continuing, they finally reached the first floor. Once there, they approached a small piece of paper on the floor. Eileen stopped to look at it.

'Eileen,' Maria said gently, taking Eileen by the shoulder. 'What are you doing?'

Eileen said nothing.

'Oi!' Tom yelled, throwing a metal plate from the floor, hitting her in the head.

Eileen did nothing.

'Let's stay here, Tom!' Maria said, concerned.

'I'm staying too,' Frog said.

'Me too,' Robo said.

'And I,' Crono said.

'I'm tired of fighting,' Richard said. 'I'm taking a break, and comforting the bit— . . . ladies.'

'It's just you, me, and Amarant,' Henry said to James. The other two nodded, and went through a door. Taking a left, they came to a normal apartment (aside from the grate floor and metallic walls, and the monsters). Hanging from a rope was a man with a piece of paper over his face. Henry touched him (not in that way).

'_I told you we shouldn't have had a baby, didn't I!?_'

'That was dumb,' Henry said.

A little ways down, they found another.

'_Oh shut up! You can't blame it on me! You said harder, I went harder — how was I supposed to know the thing would break!?_'

'. . . Ewww!' James said. They found another.

'_If that Super hears him, we're in trouble. There's something about that dude — that time he came in the bathroom when I was in the shower, just standing there — the three-hundred umbilical_ _cords in his "collection" — that plank with nails in it, that he uses to beat his son — I don't like the look of him, either!_'

'I hate him too,' James scowled. They found _another_.

'_Get me the tape, I'm gonna shut the little brat up!_ _OWW! HE BIT ME!_'

'That's just weird,' Amarant grunted. They found (gasp) another.

'_Stupid little crybaby . . ._'

'That's relatively normal.'

'_You packed? Alright! "Our first stop is in Bogota, to check Columbian fields — the natives smile, and pass along a sample of their yield — sweet Jamaican pipe dreams, golden Alcopoco nights — then Morocco, and the East . . . fly by morning light! __**We're on the train to Bangkok! Aboard the Thailand Express! We'll hit the stops along the way: we only stop for the best!**__"_.'

'. . . I love that song, but . . .' Henry said.

There were no more afterwards, so they went out to the main hall where Eileen was.

'Mommy?' she cried. The others shot her a concerned glance. 'Where's mommy? Daddy? Daddy, I can't see your face!' Henry walked up and smacked her lightly.

'Wake up!' he said forcefully. She snapped out of it, and looked at him.

'Henry . . .' she said. 'We gotta help that boy!'

'No,' Henry corrected, 'we have to kill that boy.'

'Good enough for me,' Amarant said as they went to the Super's room. Inside, everyone but James, Henry, Amarant, and Tom, gasped. It was just like anyone's apartment.

'This is all!?' Robo beeped. 'We did all this, just to come to Frank Sunderland's room!?'

'Yup,' James declared as he smiled.

'Thy idiocy is beyond me,' Frog said, putting his head in his hands. Everyone but Henry and Eileen went to the back. Henry approached Frank's umbilical cord collection, and found 'Walter Sullivan' in the middle row. Taking it, he opened it up to reveal . . . an umbilical cord. Wow.

'Great,' Henry sighed. 'Holy . . . it smells like—(gag)!' Henry dropped the box and fell to his knees as a sudden headache overcame him. Sitting on the ground, he heard Eileen faintly.

'I'm going back to where he is. Which, though the game does not state it, is Room 302. I solved a puzzle for you!'

Henry realised then that he had every component required to defeat Walter Sullivan: Walter's umbilical cord, Richard's revolver, his own boyish good looks, and an axe. Not wanting to put anyone else in danger, he took off after Eileen.

Retracing his steps, he finally exited Room 303 and pulled the revolver out. Killing two or three double-heads, he approached those iron bars beside his door.

Suddenly the wall to Room 303 burst asunder, revealing an army of monsters from Sullivan's psyche. There were many double-heads, many Patients, many dogs, EVERYTHING.

'. . . meep,' Henry said. 'AAAAHHHH!' he screamed as he shot for Room 302's door. Suddenly, from behind the iron bars, came a 'stand back!'

Twisting around, Henry barely avoided getting plowed down by Amarant Coral as he burst through the iron bars, all the other characters riding on his back. They dropped off, and clutched their weapons.

'Go!' they cried. 'Go kill Walter!'

'You'll never know,' Henry said, 'how much this means to me. Oh gawsh, now I'm crying . . .'

'_GO, MARY!_' Richard screamed.

'_MARY!?_' James cried, and instantly ran into the monster army, slashing everything with his spade.

'Don't you dare die on us,' Richard scolded as he teleported into the fray. Maria, with her whip, Tom with his spear, Robo with his guns, Crono with the pipe, Frog with his bat, and Amarant with the pickaxe (and Flair) — all leapt into the battle. Henry turned and entered Room 302.

'Hmm,' he said. 'Now what do I do?' He entered the secret room, and found a depression full of black fluid under Walter's corpse. 'Eww!' Henry said, 'do I have to go through that?'

Author: Yes.

'0k3y d0k3y,' Henry smiled as he plunged into the black fluid. He woke up in a place with crimson air, and a huge H013 in the centre. Cocking Richard's revolver, he jumped down.

—_To Be Continued . . . _

— — —

_Will the gang hold out? Is Eileen alive? Will Henry be able to defeat Walter? You don't want to miss the next episode. Tune in for: THE FINAL BATTLE!!!!!!!!!!_


	14. Chapter 14: Saving the World

Chapter 14: Saving the World

Henry (though he had no idea how) found himself in a big, circular room. There was a big circle in the middle, a pool of Hawaiian Punch (yeah right) with a big, oscillating orb in the middle, with blades swirling around it. Eileen stood upon a platform, ready to walk down a set of stairs — right into the blades.

And to the left was Walter Sullivan.

'_She has the built-in ability — to take everything she sees! — and now it seems — I'm fallin', fallin' for her! __**She seems to have an Invisible Touch, yeah! She reaches in, and grabs right hold of your heart! She seems to have an Invisible Touch, yeah! It takes control, and slowly tears you apart!**_' Walter was doing an extensive dance, combining all dances to create one, ultimate dance.

'Hey Walter!' Henry yelled, raising the revolver.

The music stopped, Walter fumbling and falling to his knees; he stood once more, dusting himself off and clearing his throat. 'Uh that was, nothing, that, that was Genesis. "_She seems to have an Invisible Touch, yeah!_"'

'I know,' Henry stated dryly. 'God, why are you still dressed in the _same_ clothes!?'

'Hey, I think I look fly in these!' Walter said, pouting a little.

'. . . you look like Aqualung.'

'So . . . you want to dance to Aqualung?'

'_TOTALLY!_ Wait, no! Remember that I'm here to kill you!?'

'Oh yeah! Haha! Try! I'm immortal!'

Henry froze. 'What do I do?' he muttered.

Author: Pull a Darkcomet.

'Yeah, I'm just gonna—' Henry just took off before finishing. 'One Winged Angel' began to play, except Sephiroth was replaced by 'Sullivan'.

'What!?' Walter cried, not caring that Henry had ran away. 'You're gonna what?'

Henry approached the big monster, and stopped, pulling out the umbilical cord. 'Oh God, I don't get payed enough for this . . .' He gripped the umbilical cord loosely between his thumb and index, and slowly put it in the monster's mouth.

'Yucky!' the monster cried (did I say anything about the monster? Cuz that's important).

'Sneaky monkey . . . !' Walter took off for Henry, screaming 'Nooo!' Henry moonwalked to the first spear, and tore it out. Shoving it in his pocket, he moved onto the next one. Systematically, he tore the spears out, and, disco-dancing, approached the monster. Raising the spears, he jammed four of them into the monster. It roared, and Walter fell down.

'My balls!' he cried. Henry skipped and cartwheeled down to the next spears, and made for the monster again.

'And now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you: _**MORTALITY!**_' Henry cried as he shoved the last spears in. The monster died, and Walter stood shakily.

'Oh well,' he said, stammering a little, 'I can kill you even as a . . . not immortal.'

'Yeah, I'd like to see you—' Henry scoffed as he depressed the trigger — and Walter karate kicked the gun out of his hands. 'Son of a donkey and a dolph—' Henry got bashed across the face, and flew across the room.

'Henwy!' Eileen giggled as she stepped onto the first stair. 'Hi Henwy!'

'Not now, Eileen!' Henry scowled as he pulled the axe out, and ran at Walter like a madman.

— — — _Outside Room 302 — — — _

'Is that all of them?' Amarant sighed as he crouched from exhaustion.

'Nope,' Richard smirked, observing more Bottoms coming through the iron gate. He batted his crowbar against his hand, and teleported behind them.

'This is getting out of control,' Robo beeped as he opened fire with his rail gun.

'Plus we have to exorcise Room 302,' Maria said as she brought her whip to bear.

'Does anyone even have Holy Magic?' James asked.

'I've got Life,' Crono shrugged.

'And I've got Chakra,' Amarant added.

'Those don't count,' James sighed.

Author: I say they do.

'Whatever.'

— — — _The Duel — — — _

'Oww . . .' Henry said as he lay flat on his back, holding his head. The axe lay further from him than the revolver, but both were too far away.

'And now, Henry, we shall end this!' Walter said, beginning to walk across the room to Henry. Henry struggled to stit up a little, glancing around for something to do.

'I haven't been this screwed since I found that box . . .'

—_Flashback—_

_Henry picked up a strange treasure chest, giggling, and shook it to hear what was inside. He could hear nothing. Tenderly, he lifted the lid and gazed into a machine._

'_This device will detonate, in five, four, three . . .'_

'_Uh . . .' Henry looked back. Then to the box. Then to the door. Then the box. 'Shit.'_

—_End Flashback—_

— — — _The Gang (CLIFFHANGER! HAH!) — — —_

Richard and Amarant held off a bunch of double-heads while Robo charged a huge cannon that had appeared out of his breastplate. Maria held Tom's hand out of fear, and James was cowering behind Crono while Crono cowered behind Frog.

'Now!' Robo screamed. Amarant and Richard dove forward in slo-mo, like you see in action movies, as a huge, red ray of swirling plasma hit a double-head, igniting him, spawning a black hole, and sucking all the monsters into its deadly vortex.

'Phew,' Richard said as the vortex closed.

'Now to clean the apartment,' Amarant said as he opened the door to Room 302 — he peered inside.

'Is it clear enough to enter?' James asked.

Amarant came out, a frown on his face while his eyes teared up. 'No,' he said, shaking his head.

'How many?' Maria asked.

'A lot,' Amarant replied, scratching his forehead. The gang stood before the doorway, looking in.

'Holy mother of crap,' James muttered.

'It's like Satan threw a party in here!' Tom said. 'He likes to party.' Everyone looked at him. 'I'm a demon, remember!?'

'Yeah,' everyone said, startled.

'Wolverines!' James screamed, and ran in.

Richard sighed. 'Let's do this.' The group entered.

— — — _The Duel!!! — — —_

'Die, Henry!' Walter exclaimed as he aimed his pistol. Henry took a moment to think, then looked at Eileen.

'_HOLY SHIT! EILEEN, WHY ARE YOU NAKED!?_' he screamed.

'Huh!?' Walter said as he spun around to see Eileen fully clothed, almost in the pool of 'juice'. His face dropped when he realised what had happened. 'Fuck.'

Bang.

Henry stood behind Walter, revolver smoking, gun aimed at Walter's head. The man in the trench coat staggered forward, wavered for a moment, and fell into the pool of juice, narrowly avoiding the blades. He sunk down to the bottom, where there was an off switch. He accidentally hit it.

The big orb stopped moving, and Walter hit a grating that led to the sewer. Screaming, he collapsed the grate and fell through a long tunnel.

Henry moonwalked backwards while air guitar-ing 'Moto Psycho' by Megadeth. He raised his hand as if there was a crowd around, saying 'Thank you, thank you!'

'Henry!' came Eileen's confused voice from high on a platform. Henry tossed his glance towards her, and found she had magically went back to the start. 'We're getting wild when we get back to the real world!'

'Lookin' forward to it,' Henry said as the world violently shook. 'Oww, my hiz-ead!' He fell to his knees, and then to his face, falling asleep.

— — — _Woom Fwee Oh Too — — —_

'That all the demons?' Maria asked.

'Yup,' James said, leaning on the shovel. 'Why does it feel like the world is shaking?'

'Because the world is shaking!' Richard cried, and everyone found themselves passing out.

— — — _The Real Room 302_ — — —

'_Hey, Aqualung,_' Henry found himself saying as he sat up in his bed. Looking around, he smiled — no Frog or Cro—

'Greetings!' came Frog's voice from under him. Henry screamed and rolled onto the floor, hitting his face hard on the carpet. Standing up, he held his forehead.

'That wasn't a damn dream!?' Henry asked.

'Nope,' came Amarant's voice as he sat up from beside the bed, near the windows.

'Damnit, is anyone else in the room!?'

'Yup,' came Tom's voice as he and Maria, naked, leaned out of the closet, waving.

'I . . . I didn't just see that . . . nope, didn't.' Henry went out into the living room, where he found James cooking a huge omelette for everyone. On the stool by the counter was Richard Brainfart, who was thumbing through a porno magazine.

'Dude!' Henry cried, 'where'd you get a porno mag?'

'Mike,' Richard said without looking up.

'Gooooooooood morning!' James said as he continued cooking. ''Tis a new day!'

'James . . .' Henry said, 'buddy, it's . . . four. PM.'

'Well, goooooooood afternoon!'

'Good afternoon,' Henry said, smiling. 'Where's Eileen?'

'Eileen? She's in the hospital.'

'Where'd Richard wake up?'

'I woke up in my room,' Richard said, still not looking up. 'I can't even ejaculate now that I'm dead, but I'm doing this for the hell of it.'

'Where's Robo?'

'I sent him out to see how Eileen was doing.'

— — — _Approaching St. Jeromes — — — _

'_Hey! Man you talkin' back to me? (Take him out) You gotta keep 'em seperated — Hey! Man you disrespectin' me? (Take him out) You gotta keep 'em seperated!_' Robo played as he entered St. Jerones hospital — suddenly, his inner cell-phone started to ring.

'Hello?' he answered.

'Robo? This is Henry.'

'Henry! It is truly wonderful that you are awake!'

'Yeah, yeah, look — how's Eileen doing?'

'I do not know, for I have not reached her location yet.'

'Well, tell me when you get to her.'

Click.

'It is truly wonderful that he is alive,' Robo said as he wheeled down the hallways of St. Jeromes. A little girl with a broken finger looked at him and got very excited.

'Mommy, mommy!' she said, tugging on her mommy's shirt, 'look, it's a toy! Can I take it, can I take it?'

The mom smiled. 'Sure, honey, it's all yours. After all, it's just laying there. No chance of it having very dangerous diseases on it.'

'Yay!' the girl cried and ran to Robo.

'Back off, bitch,' Robo said, aiming a shock-cannon at her.

'Mommy, toy called me a beach!'

'Aww, how nice,' the mom said, reading a magazine.

'Come on now, don't be shy!' the girl said, all smiles.

'You have forced me to take defensive countermeasures,' Robo said as he shocked the girl with 1200 volts of pure electricity.

'Sally!' the mom cried, running up to Robo with the magazine rolled up.

'Fools,' Robo sighed as he sprouted a flamethrower.

— — — _Back in Room 302_ — — —

'Well,' Henry said, lifting the omelette to his mouth, 'I guess that means that this story is—' He put the omelette in his mouth, and promptly stopped speaking, gagging a little before spitting it out into a napkin. 'James?'

'Yes?' James asked.

'What did you put in the omelette?'

James looked up in thought. 'Well, two shakers of salt, barbecue sauce, human blood, dog blood, half-human and half-dog blood, honey, a demon's heart, dark matter, rat poison, concentrated evil, Walter's umbilical cord, three tons of lead, grape juice, a cup of Maria's urine, a human finger, some chile, and baby formula.'

'. . . why . . . did you do that? It's _disgusting_!?'

'I like it,' Tom said as he took a huge bite. 'What's not to like? Demon's heart is awesome, evil rocks, Sullivan's cord tastes tangy, I am used to Maria's urine, and I've drank tons of human blood.'

'Why, oh why, must I be surrounded with imbeciles?' Henry moaned.

'Because EternalFlare is making you,' Tom said as he patted the brunette on the back.

'Anyway, I guess that's the end of our story,' Henry continued.

'Yeah,' Tom said, 'me and Maria _kind of_ need a place to live.'

'Stay here,' James answered as he took a bite of his own omelette. 'You're paying rent though.'

'Crono, Frog, and Robo all need a place too. Amarant and Richard are bunking together, though.'

'Well, you're all welcome to stay here. You and Maria get the hidden room where Walter's body is, and Crono and co. will sleep in the laundry room!'

'Perfect,' Henry muttered.

'Well,' Tom said as he put his fork down, 'this is a pretty happy ending!'

Author: (But there is still one more chapter . . . . muahahahahaha!)

— — —

_Is the ending happy? Is Walter dead? Can the gang afford to live together? Find out in the final chapter: Final Chapter!_


	15. Chapter 15: Back to Normality?

Chapter 15: Back to Normality?

— — — _Somewhere very dark and smelly_ — — —

'Oh Henry, you may think that you've gotten away from me and mother . . . but you haven't! Muaha! Muaha! _MUAHAHAHAHA!_'

'Dude, shut up.'

'Screw you!'

Thud.

'Wow, Walter, that pipe hurts a scaly sewer monster. You're gay, man.'

'Shut up!' Walter cried as he ran away.

'Eh,' the sewer monster said, 'whatever.'

— — — _A Taco Bell_ — — —

'For the last time, ma'am, we do _not_ sell fish on tacos.'

'Well then, little . . . "_Henry_", what is it?'

Henry looked down at the taco and sighed. 'A fish.'

'Well, then why is a fish on there?'

'I don't know.'

'Then you must sell fish on tacos!'

'We do not sell fish on tacos.'

'Well then, "Henry", what is it?'

'A _fish_.'

'Why is a fish on my taco?'

'I don't know,' Henry said as he walked away.

'Don't you walk away from me!'

'Okay,' Henry said as he continued to walk away. 'Hey!' he shouted to the actual cashier. 'She is crazy, dude.'

'Told you,' the other employee said as he returned to the register and the woman. Henry actually worked the window.

Just as the brunette returned to the window, a fellow worker came up to him. 'Henry?'

'Yeah?'

'We got a drink only. You know what to do.'

'Got it,' Henry smirked as he laid Richard's revolver on the table beside him. He opened up the window and handed the driver the drink.

'Yeah,' the kid said, giggling, 'thanks. _OHHHH!_' The driver threw the drink back in the window at Henry, who skillfully dodged it as the driver drove away. Grabbing the revolver, he dove out the window and shot at the driver's tires. The car veered out of control and hit a pole. Henry whistled, and all the other employees ran out with batons, pipes, and baseball bats.

'Kick his ass!' Henry screamed, twirling the revolver around his finger and putting it back in his pocket. 'Brainfart, thou hast taught me well.'

— — — _Back in Room 302_ — — —

Henry walked into Room 302 and put the keys to his car on the table and laying the revolver on the table. Maria was laying on the couch, in her underwear and a bra, watching television.

'Maria,' Henry sighed, 'where's Tom?'

'He's in our room, getting ready,' Maria replied as Henry sat down with a grunt. 'Hurt your balls today?'

'I had to put up with an insane old lady, almost got a drink spilled on me, and Richard had to post my bail because I shot someone's tires out.'

Maria shifted to face him. 'You shot someone's tires out, huh?' she asked seductively.

'Maria . . . aren't you and Tom going to . . . you know . . .'

'Doesn't hurt to get a little _extra_ motivation,' she purred, stroking Henry's leg.

'Maria, you remember what happened when Tom caught you flirting with Crono?'

'Nothing, he knows Crono is limp. That's why I did it!' She laughed evilly.

'Not Crono, who's the other — oh, Amarant?'

'Amarant beat the life out of him after Tom confronted him.'

'And do you want me to do the same?'

'He's going to be a few minutes,' she said, biting her lip and crawling on Henry's lap.

'I'm not in the mood to get herpes,' Henry sighed.

'I like men who play hard-to-get.'

'Maria, honestly . . . oh my God . . .'

'What?' Maria asked.

'James is watching.' Henry pointed to the window, and there was James, his eyes glued to the glass as his mouth was wide open.

'Come inside!' Maria called. 'It's cold!'

'Take . . . your . . . bra . . . off . . .' James said slowly.

Maria did as asked.

James screamed nonsense as he leaned back, flailing his arms, and fell off the apartment building.

'Where were we?' Maria asked, turning back to Henry. Henry was looking a little under her face. 'What is it?'

'Bra,' he croaked. Maria grabbed the sides of his head, and slowly began to pull him—

'Ready!' came Tom's voice from the secret room.

'Okay!' Maria leapt off Henry's lap, planted a smooch on his cheek, and ran giggling to the secret room.

Henry looked down at his massive erection. 'I hate you, you know that?'

— — — _The next day_ — — —

Henry woke up the next day to feel someone's arms around him. He thought it was Maria, so at first he didn't care. Then he remembered that Maria was married, and so he grabbed her arms and moved them off him. He then realised he was on the couch. And—

'Hello!' came James's voice from behind him.

'_AAAAH!_' Henry screamed as he fell off the couch.

—James slept on the couch.

'What are you doing!?' Henry yelled.

'I just went to bed, despite you being in it!'

'You could have woke me up!'

'Breafast is ready, boys,' came Maria's voice.

'Why are you cooking?' James asked.

''Cuz you weren't up to make it, and Tom is hungry. Plus, he doesn't know how to cook, and neither does Frog or Crono — thus, I was the only one who could make it.'

'Thank you,' Henry mouthed. He nudged his head at James, then pretended to gag.

'I know,' Maria mouthed as she set eggs on the table.

'I understand you cooking breakfast,' James said as he stood, 'but naked?'

'All natural,' Maria smirked as she ran back to wake Tom up.

'I love that woman,' James said in a trance.

'You won't when you have every STD known to man. And here you used to hate her.'

'That was before she got naked.'

— — — _Room 207_ — — —

Smoke filled the air of the living room as Richard and Amarant lay on the floor, looking up at the ceiling.

'Dude,' Amarant coughed, 'you're so cool.'

'Tell me about it,' Richard laughed as he puffed.

'So, where do you work?'

'I don't have a job. The Government gives me money out of fear, because I can expose every secret and take the whole military on alone.'

'What do you do every day?'

'Usually I solve mysteries around here, but since Walter died, there are no more problems.'

'How do we know Walter died?'

'We don't, I'm just assuming.'

— — — _A dimly lit, smelly place_ — — —

'I need a pipe, and lots of ammo!' Walter cried as he slammed his hand on the steel counter. Behind the counter was a very old and haggard Mario.

'You need (cough), ammo for the pipe?' Mario asked.

'No, I need a new pipe, and handgun ammo.'

'(cough) (cough) (big cough) I see.'

Mario pulled out a steel pipe identical to the one Walter was wielding, and gave him a bunch of ammo for the gun he rarely used.

'How much?' Walter asked.

'(_**COUGH**_) Two bucks.' Walter handed Mario two bucks. 'Well, it's a pleasure doing business with you!'

'Same,' Walter said as he exited. 'Now, mother, we will be together forever!'

'W-w-walter?' came a voice to his side.

'Whoa, a talking tree!'

'No, Walter. It's your mother.'

'Mommy?' Walter asked as he fell to his knees.

'Yes Walter. My name is J—'

—_The End_

_Robo: But we weren't even in the chapter!_

_Take it up with the author._

_Frog: Thou art the author._

_Hey, listen, I'm busy. Anyway, stay tuned for The Nameless Parody 3!_

_Crono: This chapter was 5 pages and very lame._

_Fine, you're out of the story._

_Crono: I WAS HARDLY IN IT TO BEGIN WITH!_

_Then you are contractually obligated to be in it forever! MUAHAHAHA!_

_Crono: I hope you burn in Hell._

_Me too!_

_FIN._


End file.
